Jokes

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A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish."

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said "Because you have been faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish".

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to". The Lord said " Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me.

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "Nothing" and how I can make a woman truly happy".

After a few minutes God said "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

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HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

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"That mail used to be handled by hand, now it's handled manually." Chief Executive of An Post, John Hines.

"The referendum went as most people hoped it would. " - Irish Times editorial displaying acute understanding of the Democratic Process.

"Clap your feet!" - Bernie of the Nolan Sisters.

"The idea is well and good in theory, but tell me this, who is going to feed them?" - Wicklow Councillor objects to a proposal to boost tourism by putting gondolas on Blessington Lakes. (When questioned, it seems that he was confusing gondolas with flamingos).

"We are not prepared to stand idly by and be murdered in our beds." - Rev. Ian Paisley.

"If you're a fifty pence piece in a pile of ten pence pieces, you have to shine so much brighter in order to be noticed" - Bono of U2.

"What we are doing is in the interest of everybody, bar possibly the consumer" - Aer Lingus spokesman.

"Deep down I'm a very shallow person" - Charles Haughey. (Former Irish Prime Minister)

"I can hold a note and I know I'm not ugly so, in ways, that's enough" - Keith Duffy of Boyzone.

Larry Gogan: "With what town in Britain is Shakespeare associated?"

Contestant: 'Hamlet'.

Larry Gogan: "Name the BBC's Grand Prix commentator? I'll give you a hint It's something you suck" Contestant: "Oh, Dickie Davies" (Murray Walker is the correct answer - Murrays are a brand of mint)

Larry Gogan: "What was Hitlers first name ?" Contestant: "Heil!"

Larry Gogan: "Complete the following: "As happy as ...."': Contestant: '....a pig in shit"

Larry Gogan: "Where is the Taj Mahal?" Contestant: "Across the road from the Dental Hospital" (He's right - there is a similarly named Indian restaurant there!)

Larry Gogan: "What do you call a female cow? ...."

Government Job Application Form: Do you support the overthrow of the Government by force, subversion or violence? Applicant: Violence.

VIOLENCE DELAYS PEACE - LENIHAN - Irish Times

CONCERNED RAPIST WORE A CONDOM - Evening Herald

SHARING THE BURDEN OF SCHIZOPHRENIA - Irish Times

DOG SHOOTS MAN - Evening Press

RAPIST: I THOUGHT SHE WAS MY WIFE - Star

DEAD MAN INJURED IN CRASH - Irish Times.

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80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a "Blondes Are not Stupid Convention." The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" A blonde steps up. The leader asks her,

What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen."

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance, give her another chance." The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you and the worldwide press here, I guess we can give her another chance." So he asks,

"What is 5 plus 5?"

After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"

The leader is quite perplexed and sighs-everyone is disheartened, the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "Give her another chance, give her another chance." The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "OK!, one more chance.

What is 2 plus 2?"

The girl closes her eyes and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four."

Through out the stadium 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream, "Give her another chance, give her another chance!"

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A Nun's Story

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you. She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley." He does and the nun fulfils his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish. The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."

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The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good, " said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"

"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens to sell for cooking. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten chicks. The moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they've hatched."

"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a machete. "She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens!", said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy give you from that horrible story?"

"Don't mess with Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

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