PART X

September 14, 2010

"Mr. Brumby? I'm Sergeant Janson."

A tall man with graying hair puts out his hand and I shake it. I'm trying to
read from his expression what's going on but he's not giving anything away.

"Mic. Call me Mic. And this is my little girl, May," I say, nodding towards my
sleeping daughter. She's got herself curled up in one of the chairs and she
actually looks quite peaceful.

"I'm going to call Becky over at the church and see if she can watch your little
one for you," he says, moving back behind the front desk and towards the phone.
From the tone in his voice, I know I don't have an option. Whatever he knows or
whatever I'm going to see, it would be better if she didn't see it with me.

He dials the phone, says a few words and hangs up again. "Becky is my daughter.
She's a classroom assistant over at the church school so your daughter will be
in good hands."

"What is it you aren't telling, Sergeant? It's my wife out there. I have a right
to know," I ask rather pointedly. This causes May to stir around until she wakes
herself up.

"Daddy? Did they find Mommy?" she asks, sitting up and winding her eyes with
small fists.

I look to the Sergeant and he looks away. I go and kneel in front of her, taking
her hands in mine.

"Someone is going to come look after you for a while . . ."

"I want to stay with you!" she cries, wrinkling her face up as the tears start
to flow.

"I won't leave you long, luv. You know that. Sergeant Janson and I have a few
things we need to talk about," I say, and she continues to pout. I pull her into
my arms, hugging her as tight as I possibly can.

"Find Mommy for me, please. Please, Daddy," she says, wiping her face on my
shirt.

"I'm going to try to do everything I can to find your mum," I say. "Everything I
can."


*******************

February 21, 2008

"I have to be on that plane. Now," I say to the ticket agent again. She doesn't
care enough about my predicament. She keeps typing things in but nothing is
coming up my way.

"I'm sorry, Miss . . ."

If she says she's sorry one more time I'm going to scream. I will. I need to be
on a flight. Any flight and she just isn't helping any.

"I'll take whatever you have. I'll fly through . . . through London if I have
to. Please. I just need a ticket," I say one more time. Before I can begin
pleading again, her face lights up. She looks like she hit the jackpot or else
she's just happy she's going to be rid of me.

"When will you be returning?" she asks and I look at her. I haven't even though
about this. I know I have to come back. I just don't how long this is going to
last. I have to be back at work soon but I don't want to cut my time short.

"I don't know. Can you make it open ended?" I ask and she nods before looking
back to the monitor in front of her. A few seconds later she looks back at me
and looks relieved as she gives me an extravagant grand total for my one way
flight. I hand over my credit card without hesitation. I have to do this, no
matter the cost.

I have to get there.

******************

February 21, 2008

I look out the window at the planes coming in, bringing in all the tourists
looking to get away from the winter weather on the mainland. I find that I can't
stop looking at my watch. Can't stop my heart from beating hard in my chest.

How long has it been since I've seen her?

Too long.

It took a case to get her out here. I had asked a few times, sent her an
occasional letter with a request for her to visit. I promised that nothing would
happen, but I guess she knew better. She always turned me down.

This time, she didn't have a choice. She's here on business and since she'll be
working out of my office, there was no way for her to avoid me.

Nothing will happen. It can't.

I keep telling myself that. I keep trying to believe it. To make myself accept
that we can be nothing more than friends.

But that doesn't mean I don't want to skip the working part and take her right
to my place. Doesn't mean I don't want to kiss her the moment she steps off the
plane. Those feelings are never going to go away.

Time and distance didn't make them go away. An ocean and a continent between us
didn't make them go away. Two years didn't make them go away.

I find the screen with the arrival times on them and her plane is still on time.
She couldn't get on a military hop from the states to here so she had to take a
commercial flight with the tourists. It probably would have been better had she
shown up in her uniform on the base. Then I would be dressed in mine and there
would be something there preventing me from taking her into my arms and holding
her tight. This way, who knows how we will respond.

In ten minutes, we'll find out.

******************

February 21, 2008

The flight attendant finally took the hint and this time down the aisle, she
doesn't ask me if I need anything else. I don't need anything. Just for this
damn plane to go faster.

The person next to me thankfully fell asleep hours ago and hasn't asked me
anymore questions about the weather or what to see when we reach our
destination. I'm too nervous to answer questions. He was nice enough to give me
his window seat before he fell asleep and for that I'm thankful. At least I can
stare at something and take my mind off all of this.

I look out over the dark ocean and the miles and miles of nothingness and wish
for a swift tailwind to take us there faster. I feel trapped on here, helpless.
I'm not certain I'll feel any different once I get there, but at least I'll be
able to do something about all these damn feelings welling up inside me.

The pilot comes on and warns us about turbulence ahead and tells us he's going
to put the seat belt sign on again. I find that I never took mine off, as if
that was going to make this trip go by any quicker.

All I can do is sit and stare out the window and worry about what's going to
happen next.

****************

February 21, 2008

"Bud?"

"It's good to see you again, Captain Rabb," Bud says with a smile as he slings
his carry-on bag over his shoulder.

"Where's . . . I thought the Colonel was coming?" I ask. I hope like hell that
I'm hiding the disappointment on my face better than I'm burying it in my heart.


"She had a family emergency, sir . . ."

"Harm," I say, looking towards the gate as if there's a chance she might just
show up.

"She had a family emergency, Harm. She had to fly to Australia at the last
minute and the Admiral had me take her place on this case.

"Family emergency? What kind of emergency?" I ask, though I can barely hear
myself through the sudden sound of my heartbeat that pounds all the way up to my
ears.

"I don't really have all the details. The Colonel's daughter was on vacation
there with Mic and his family and there was some sort of accident. She didn't
even know exactly what happened when she left but she was going to call the
office when she knew more," Bud says.

I find that I can't move. Bud wouldn't know why, of course. He wouldn't know any
of it and he certainly wouldn't know why my damn feet aren't responding to my
brain's command to move. I need to find a phone. I need to know what happened.

"Do you, uh, I need to . . ."

"Are you okay, sir? Harm?" Bud asks, reaching out to touch my arm.

"I . . . I'm fine. When did the Colonel say she would be contacting the office?"
I ask, looking at my Rolex and trying to figure out what time it is in Sydney.
My brain can't even figure that out.

"As soon as she knew something definite. I'm sure everything will be okay. Mic
said it wasn't that serious and Harriet said he sounded fine on the phone when
he called to find out if Colonel MacKenzie left already," Bud says and I shake
my head as if I don't understand him.

"Mic wasn't hurt?"

"No. Actually, I think May had some sort of accident. That's all I know, Harm. I
wish I could tell you more. But that's why I'm here and she's not," Bud says,
looking out the window with a smile. "It's been a long time since I've seen
Hawaii. When I'm done with my investigation, you'll have to show me around and
we'll have to hit the beach."

"Yeah," I say, trying to focus again and finding that I can't.

****************

February 22, 2008

"She's doing better, luv. A lot better," Mic says and he drives towards his
sister's house. He's not going fast enough. If I thought the plane was slow,
that's nothing compared to Mic's driving. "It was just a little accident. A few
stitches and she's all better."

"Then why did they keep her in the hospital so long?" I ask. I was so worried
about all of this that I completely forgot to call Harm and let him know I
wouldn't be the one he'd be meeting at the gate at the airport. I'm sure Bud
will let him know. I look out the window and sigh. I should be the one to tell
him that something happened, but I don't even know what has happened yet.

"They kept her for further observation. They were worried that she suffered from
a concussion during the fall. Sarah, you didn't have to fly all the way down
here. I had everything under control," he says and I can't believe I'm supposed
to take him seriously.

"Mic, my little girl was hurt and in the hospital and you expected me to go to
work as if nothing happened? Do you know how much I worried? All I could think
is that you were all lying to me and that it was actually worse. I didn't know .
. . I didn't know how I was supposed to live without her," I say, choking on the
tears now. The mere thought of something happening to her does that to me. The
thought of my baby being in pain tears me apart. I don't ever want for her to be
hurting. If I didn't care about her getting hurt, things would be so different .
. .

"She's going to be okay, Sarah. She's my daughter, too. I'm the one who sat with
her all night in the hospital . . ."

"If you would have stayed in DC, this wouldn't have happened," I say, my voice
now tearful and angry. I didn't want them to go, but Mic insisted on going to
some family wedding and taking May with even though I couldn't get out of the
case I was working on for that much time.

"She slipped and hit her head, Sarah. That could happen anywhere and you know it
. . ."

"Where did it happen?" I ask.

"The beach."

"She wouldn't have been on the beach in DC, now would she?" I ask and he gives
me an incredulous glance.

"Not in February I imagine. But accidents happen and she's going to be fine. I
promise you, she's going to be fine," he says and I scoff.

"But what if something would have happened to her. She's my only baby. She's is
the absolute love of my life, Mic. There's no way to make another one of her. No
way . . . there is no way to ever replace everything that she is to me," I say
and his expression falls flat.

"You think I don't feel all those things? Just because I'm her daddy? Sarah, I
was terrified. There was all this blood and she was crying for you and I didn't
know how I was going to live if anything happened to her," he says and now he
sounds like he's almost in tears. "I would move the heavens if it would mean she
would never hurt in her life and you know that."

I do know that. He loves her just as much as I do. He just doesn't know the
things that I do and the heaviness in my heart bears down even more at that
thought. He doesn't know all the reasons why she is so precious to me. He'll
never know. He loves her and he'll never know the truth. Because of how much he
loves her, he can't ever find out. It would kill him.

I cover my eyes with my hands and rub them, trying to blot all this out. I
can't. This mess I've created is never going away.

******************

February 22, 2008

"That was Harriet, sir," Bud says, hanging up the phone as I walk into my
office. He gets out of my seat as I move behind my desk and sit down. "Colonel
MacKenzie called in today and she said everyone was doing okay."

I let out the breath I didn't even know I was holding and close my eyes. I was
up all night, wondering if I should call. Wondering *who* I should call. I
wouldn't even know where to start and I felt this overwhelming panic for hours.
There was nothing I could do and I couldn't deal with the helplessness I felt.
Even if I knew where to call, I couldn't do it and have it not look suspicious.
I've never called her at home since I've been stationed here. Why would I call
her in Australia now?

"That's good," I manage to say, opening my eyes to see Bud staring at me from
across my desk.

"Are you all right?" he asks and I nod my head 'yes' and try to make it look
convincing. "I have one more deposition and then I'll be done. I think I can
catch a hop out of here early tomorrow morning."

"I thought you were staying longer," I say, looking puzzled. Even though I've
been on edge since he arrived yesterday, it's been nice having an old friend
around.

"I was planning on it, but with the Colonel gone, I need to get back to cover on
some of her cases. I'm sorry, Harm. I was really looking forwards to seeing you
longer," Bud says, his expression not hiding his disappointment.

"Maybe I can get stateside soon. It's been a long time since I've seen Sarah. I
miss her more than you can imagine," I say and Bud cocks his head to the side.
"My plane, Bud. I miss flying my plane."

"Oh! You are more than welcome to stay with us whenever you're in town. I hope
you know that," Bud says and I nod. My phone rings and I grab it, listen to
who's on the other end of the line and then hand it over to Bud. "It's for you."

He says 'yes' a few times to the person on the other side of the line and then
hangs up. "That was about the flight. I'll be leaving here tomorrow morning at
0500. I'm sorry, Harm. I really wish I could stay longer but the caseload has
been crazy lately."

"I bet."

Bud looks at me for a moment and then asks, "Do you ever miss it?"

I try to keep the sadness out of my eyes and off my expression but I can't. "Of
course I do."

I want to add that this is for the best, but he wouldn't know why it's for the
best. It certainly wasn't best for my career but no one questioned me. My mother
had just died and I think they all assumed I just needed a change. The Admiral
looked disappointed but he let me go. Or maybe he knew why I had to go. I don't
really know.

"We miss you, too, sir," he says, looking towards my window before looking back
at me. "We all do."

We both sit and stare at each other without saying a word. He doesn't have to
say anything. I know what he's talking about.

"How about after that deposition, you and I go out and get something to eat? See
a little bit of the town?" I ask and Bud smiles. "I promise I won't keep you out
too late and that you'll make it to your flight on time."

"I'd like that, Harm."

******************

February 22, 2008

"Mommy!" my daughter cries out as I enter the room. She's sitting on the couch
with her aunt, coloring with her crayons. Mic was right. She doesn't look that
bad. I go to her, finding that my feet can't move fast enough, and I sweep her
up into my arms. She holds on tight and I start crying even though I know I
shouldn't. I can't help myself.

"How are you feeling?" I ask, sitting down with her on my lap.

"I'm okay, Mommy," she says, touching the bandage on her forehead gingerly. Her
face is a little swollen and black and blue but it doesn't seem to be slowing
her down that much. I want to peel back that bandage and get a good look at what
happened but I'm sure I'll get my chance later. "I got a bad boo boo."

"I know," I say, hugging her even tighter now.

"It hurt and I cried," she says, squirming away from me. "They made me try to
keep still and it was hard."

"I'm sorry Mommy wasn't there," I say and she looks at the tears falling from my
eyes.

"Daddy held my hand," she says, looking across the room towards Mic. "He didn't
get scared from the blood or nothing."

I laugh and she smiles at me. A bright, glorious dimpled smile that sparkles all
the way to her eyes, causing them to crinkle up in a way I never noticed before.
God . . . for the first time, she looks . . .

"I told you she was okay," Mic says, interrupting my thoughts.

"I'm so glad you're okay, sweetie. I was so worried about you," I say, not
wanting to let her go no matter how much she squirms.

"Does this mean I got to go home?" May asks, looking worried.

"Do you want to go home, luv? Do you want to go home with your mum?" Mic asks,
moving closer to us.

"It's cold at home. I like it here. I can play outside and go to the beach," she
says, her eyes pleading with me to let her stay. "I promise I won't fall off of
anything else, Mommy."

"I know you won't, baby doll, but Mommy can't stay here. I've got to get back to
work . . ."

"I can stay with Daddy," she says, looking towards Mic once again. Mic smiles at
her and nods his head. I sigh. I don't want to leave her this far away again. I
feel so out of control when she's on the other side of the world.

Then again, when have I ever been in control of any of this? Never. I never will
be.

"I'll tell you what. I will stay a few days just to make sure you're okay, and
then if I think you're doing all right, then you can stay with Daddy. How does
that sound?" I suggest and she throws her arms around my neck once again.

"Thank you, Mommy!" she says, sounding so pleased while the tears roll down my
cheeks.

******************

February 22, 2008

I watch Bud sip some sort of fruity drink out of a pineapple while he tries to
keep his eyes off of the wait staff. It's getting more difficult for him to do
so the more drinks he has. Their skimpy Polynesian costumes aren't helping any.

"What would make you come back, sir?" Bud slurs, smiling as our waitress comes
by again.

"You need anything, Harm?" she asks and I order another beer. Bud makes an
appreciative face at the fact the waitress knows my name.

"She's pretty," he says, watching her walk away. "Now I know the reasons you
stay. But what would make you come back?"

He's not going to let it go and I try to skirt the issue.

"I have a good position here, Bud. Why would I want to go back to DC? I mean,
look at it around here," I say, motioning to the clear sky over our heads. I'm
sure it's snowing in DC right now and the weather should be reason enough to
stay here.

"What about your career?" he asks and I shrug.

"After I returned to flying and proved I could do it and then found out that
didn't make or break my life, it just didn't seem that important. Other things
were far more important but I just didn't take the time to see that back then,"
I say as Bud tries to focus on me and grasp what I'm saying. "Surely you know
there's more to life than a career, Bud?"

"Yeah. But I've got Harriet and a family. You . . ."

He stops himself from saying it and I look away. I could have had all those
things. I threw it all away for something and I'm not sure what anymore.

"I'm sorry, Harm. It just seems that you had a chance to be the next JAG and now
you're way out here and I know that everybody would be really happy to have to
come back. Maybe not Mic Brumby, but everybody else," Bud says and I nearly
choke on my beer. He doesn't even know the half of it. If he only knew, he
wouldn't even joke about it.

"I'm sure Mic Brumby is quite content with me here in Hawaii," I say, happy that
Missy showed up with a fresh beer. Maybe that will change the topic of
conversation. She gives me a big smile as she walks away and I smile back.

"But Mac . . . it was hard on her, Harm," he says and I just stare at him, not
knowing what to say.

"I, uh . . ."

"Yeah. She had to take on your work load and she hardly ever got out of the
office," he finishes and I smile even though something in me hopes it was more
than just work.

"I guess that's why she got promoted, huh?" I ask and Bud reaches for his
pineapple drink.

"I guess. She's good at her job. I just don't know how happy she is anymore,"
Bud says before slurping the last bit of liquid up through the straw. He plays
with the little umbrella before looking at me. "But you look happy here, Harm."

"I am," I say, trying to convince not only him but me. Bud looks like he
believes me. Why wouldn't he believe me? "We better get you back so you can make
your flight on time. Wouldn't want to deny JAG HQ of their best lawyer."

Bud's face lights up when I say that. "Why, thank you, sir! I appreciate that a
lot."


*****************

February 23, 2008

"You could stay," Mic says as I watch my daughter play in the sand on the
seashore. She can't go in the water until her wound has had more time to heal,
but she looks content to pile sand up into a bucket.

"I have to work, Mic. You know that."

"I meant forever, Sarah," he says and I sigh. We've been through this so many
times and I can't believe he's starting it again.

"My career . . ."

"My family," he counters before I can say more. I roll over on the beach towel
and face away from him. I build up a little pile of sand and crush it between my
fingers. I hate this conversation. I hate it more today than I did the first
time he started this.

"I can't just quit. It's a big part of who I am," I say and he sighs.

"I used to think there was more keeping you in DC but I now know that assumption
is wrong since . . ." he starts and I know what he was thinking. I turn back
over and brush the sand off of my hands.

"There was never more keeping me in DC than my career, Mic," I lie. He doesn't
hold my stare, but instead looks out to where our suntanned daughter is laughing
about something.

"I know that now, Sarah. If there was something else, you would have left DC by
now. So it must be your career. But please consider it. For me? For May? Look
how happy she is here. And she's got family here," he says, pleading with me.

I stop for a moment and close my eyes. I don't know why I stay where I am. I
don't know why I fight it so much. He's not coming back there. He's happy in
Hawaii. He's said it himself so many times in his e-mails. And still I suffer
through the backbreaking caseload and the miserable winter weather. Why in the
hell am I doing it? So I can be the next JAG? I know the chances are slim on
that one. They'll probably bring someone in like they did the last time.
Probably a man.

Someone warm and scented of coconuts crawls onto my lap and giggles. I open my
eyes to find May smiling up at me, as happy as can be. She really does love it
here. I don't know why I fight it so much. Maybe everybody would be happier
here. Maybe this is a place where I could finally escape it all.

I'm just not so sure I want to escape it.

"You're right. It isn't such a bad idea. I'll think about it, Mic," I concede
and he smiles.

"That's a change from the usual. Good on you, Sarah," he says, pulling May onto
his lap and then reaching for more sunscreen to cover her with. "Maybe you and I
can convince your mum just how perfect it would be to live here all the time."

"Can we!?" she asks excitedly and I shrug my shoulders.

"I'll think about it. On my flight home to the snow and the ice, I'll think
about it," I say and now they are both smiling.


******************

February 25, 2008

I stare at the phone, contemplating whether I should still call her or not. I'm
not even sure where I would even call. I feel like I should do something,
especially considering May was involved. I still don't know what I feel about
May. First and foremost, she's Mac's little girl no matter how she got here. I
wouldn't want anything to happen to her because the pain would be unbearable for
Mac. And for Mic. But what would I feel? I decided I couldn't be part of that
years ago and I can't change it now. The price would be too high and we all know
it.

I try to focus on the paperwork in front of me but none of it means anything
right now. People come in and ask questions and I merely nod at them, hoping I
get the answer right. The phone rings and I jump to answer it and each time I
hope it's Mac though I don't know why it would be. I haven't spoken to her for
months. She wasn't even the one to call me and tell me she was going to be here.
She didn't even bother to call and tell me she couldn't make it.

"Rabb," I say into the receiver, turning in my chair to look out the window.
It's someone about a case that's been difficult. I mumble my way through his
questions while I gaze off into nothing. Finally, they get the answer they
wanted and hang up but I don't turn back towards my desk. I lean back in my
chair and stare blankly out the window. Maybe I need to take some leave and go
back to the states. Take care of my plane. Visit friends. See my mom.

Or maybe it would just be best if I stayed here and didn't use the pretense of
maintaining my airplane as a way to see Mac.

I went for so long without feeling like this only . . .

"Captain Rabb?" I hear a voice say and I nearly tip over backwards.

"Colonel MacKenzie," I say, righting myself and standing up out of my chair.
She's standing in the doorway, smiling at my clumsiness. "What are you doing . .
. I mean, Bud took care of the case and . . . is something wrong? Is May okay?"

We're both in uniform and there are people watching from outside my office. If
they weren't there, I'd have her in my arms by now. She looks exhausted and she
looks like she has sat on too many planes for too long in the last few days.

"How long do you plan on hiding out here?" she asks, closing the door behind
her.

"What?"

"How long do you plan on doing this?"

"It's nice to see you, too," I say, shaking my head at her questions. I have no
idea what's going on.

"Harm, May was hurt and one of the things I couldn't figure out was how was I
going to tell you. Would you even care? Then I thought about the fact that you
don't even know her. How could you care? We have fucked this up so badly and I
don't know how to get out of it now," she says, not moving from her spot just
inside the closed door.

"I can't know her. That's out of the question," I say, moving closer to her. I
take her hand in mine and she fights back the tears.

"And that hurts."

"I know it does. But what do you want me to do?" I ask. The people in the outer
office are watching us through the blinds now. At this point, it would look even
worse if I closed them so I let go of her hand.

"I don't know what I want," she says, crossing her arms in front of her. "I want
everything but I can't have it anymore. She loves him, Harm. And he loves her."

"Would that change if they knew?" I ask, looking at the floor.

"I honestly don't know. How could it not change to some degree? Not that he'd
love her any less but . . ."

We both fall silent. Words don't matter much anyway. This thing is too
complicated to be solved with just a few words. Neither of us knows what would
solve it at this point and we probably never will.

"How long are you here for?" I ask.

"Until tomorrow. I . . . needed to see you," she says, sounding so guilty.

"You want to go talk someplace where so many people aren't watching us?" I ask,
nodding in the direction of the window. She glances in that direction and that
back at me.

"Yes. Show me Hawaii," she says with a forced smile.

"It probably can't compare to Australia," I say and she closes her eyes for just
a moment.

"Sure it can," she says, looking at me again. "Let's get out of here."



******************

February 25, 2008

"You'll never know her," I say. Harm and I are sitting at a patio table at some
restaurant but I'm not interested in food. I haven't been able to eat for days
and now my stomach is even more tense. It's probably the company I'm keeping. I
feel nervous and excited and I can't believe I changed my plane ticket and flew
here. I'll have to make up some story for Mic, but I've gotten so good at that.
After telling lies for years, one more doesn't ever seem to make a difference.

"Mac, you and I both decided a long time ago that this was how it was going to
be," he says and I just stare at him.

"I don't remember us discussing it and coming to that decision," I say and his
eyes don't move from mine.

"You know what I mean. It may not have been spoken and it may have been
something that we did without really thinking about, but you know that's what we
did. Rationalize it all you want, but everything we have right now is everything
we deserve," he says, leaning back in his chair. His face is tan and he's gotten
a little older since the last time I've seen him but in uniform, he still
demands attention. Even in this place full of men in uniform.

"When did you become so philosophical?" I ask and he smiles a little before
turning his face away from me.

"When I stopped competing for everything," he says and I laugh.

"Harm, you're still that cocky aviator holding tight to the stick between his
legs and you know it. You haven't given up competing for anything and don't try
to fool anyone. Most of all, don't try to fool me," I say. The waiter comes by
and offers to pick up our plates, carrying mine off with most of my meal still
on it.

"I stopped competing for you," he says softly and I don't know what to say. We
both watch the other, waiting for someone to say something. "I stopped competing
for you and against you."

"I didn't know you were ever competing for me. If you were, you didn't try very
hard," I say, finally looking down at the surface of the table.

"I was too scared of losing."

My chest tightens and I don't know why he's doing this now. Like always, it's
too late. It's always been too late.

"You wouldn't have."

"I didn't know that," he says.

"So what do we do now?" I ask again. That's what I'm always asking.

"I don't know. What do you want to do?" he asks and I just stare at him for a
while before I answer.

"Spend the night with you," I say. It's the truth. Why shouldn't I tell him? He
almost chokes and a bunch of people turn their heads to look at us but I could
care less. We've played games for too many years and I'm not going to do it
anymore. I want to be with him.

He carefully considers me and my offer for a few seconds before smiling. "Okay,"
he answers with a smile that lights up his whole face and both of us laugh.

******************

February 25, 2008

"I remember every minute we've spent together. You're one of my favorite
memories, you know," she says and I laugh a little. "No, I'm serious. I can't
even remember my first kiss anymore. I know what you're thinking. I was probably
drunk at the time but believe it or not, that isn't the case. I don't even
really remember all too clearly the first time Mic and I . . ."

"Hmm . . ." I say, looking away. I don't want to hear about it whether she
remembers it or not.

"But you . . . I remember everything, Harm. I'll be lying in bed at night and I
remember you," she says, moving closer to me. "Your touch. The scent of you. The
way your skin feels under my fingertips."

Her fingers slide across my arm and it sends shivers down my spine. She takes my
hand in hers, pulling it to her mouth and placing a kiss on my palm. We are
sitting on my couch, my arms wrapped around her, doing nothing but talking. Even
though she's leaving tomorrow, there doesn't seem to be any hurry. She's
spending the night. That will be enough time even though I'm starting to miss
her already.

"The sound of rain hitting the window makes me think of our weekend in Cape May.
The whir of an airplane flying overhead makes me want to cry," she continues and
I don't know what to say. "There is nothing that makes that go away."

"Time," I whisper and she moves around until she's on my lap, straddling me, her
mouth hovering above mine.

"Not even time," she says before her mouth covers mine, her tongue moving past
my lips and touching mine. The initial contact is electric and it sends a surge
through my body. We both discarded our uniforms when we got back to my place and
that's a good thing because I don't think I want to contend with all those
buttons now.

I pull away from her mouth and tug her t-shirt up and over her head and then
unfasten her bra, sending it somewhere to the end of the couch.

"You want to do this here?" I ask, already finding it hard to breathe. "I have a
bed. We can . . ."

"Later," she says with a smile, pulling my face towards her breasts. My tongue
circles around one hardened nipple and then the other and her fingers rake
through my hair. I moan as her nails scrape gently against my scalp and with
that, she grinds against my cock and I thrust my hips up off the cushion. I want
to feel all of her and I don't really care where it happens.

She struggles to get me out of my clothes and to get the rest of hers off as
well, I lift my hips up off the couch as she pulls my jeans down just enough for
what we're doing. She's completely naked and beautiful and I can't wait to be
inside of her again.

Settling down on my lap again, she brushes her sex against my cock but doesn't
let me slide into her.

"Tease," I say and she smiles.

"I'm just making it last," she says and I wrap my hands around her hips and
guide her to where I want to go. She gasps when I slip in and we both stay
absolutely still, just getting used to one another again.

And then she starts to move. She moves and I move my hands up to her breasts,
cupping them as they bounce from the motion of us together. She grinds up and
down and around and I move a finger down between the apex of her thighs,
touching her. Mac moans softly as we both keep moving, the only sound in the
still room that of wet flesh slapping together.

She clenches up around me, a teasing look crossing her face again.

"God . . do you know what you do to me?" I say, breathless now and she can't
help but smile.

"I have the general idea."

Her hands slide up my chest until her fingernails are circling my nipples and
the sensation is enough to bring me to the edge. She stops long enough for me to
regain some control but then she tightens up around me again while she slides up
and down and that's it. I'm falling and falling and there's no way to stop it
now.

I empty everything into her while I continue touching her. Not long after I get
my body back under control again, a sweet, slow spasm passes through hers. She
tosses her head back and moans through the pleasure and I keep pressing against
her, trying to draw it out. She grabs my hand away and hold it in her own, her
nails digging into my skin. Finally, we both still and she falls forward against
me.

"Come back to me," she whispers, her head resting against my shoulder.

"And then what?" I ask, my chest still heaving as I try to catch my breath.

"I don't know. Just . . . come back to me."

**************

February 26, 2008

I wake up, startled to find myself in a strange room with unfamiliar shadows
dancing across the walls. A hand reaches out and stills me before I can sit up
and I recognize the touch and it comforts me.

"You okay?" he asks, rolling over onto his side and putting an arm over me.

"Yeah. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you. I just woke up and didn't know
where I was," I say, turning to face him. We lie with our noses nearly touching,
both our heads on one pillow now.

"You didn't wake me. I was up. Thinking."

"About?" I ask, my voice hesitant at best. What might be coming next always
frightens me.

"Coming home," he says, his hand sliding up my back and through my hair.

"What about it?"

"Why do you want me there?"

"I just do," I say, rolling onto my back again and staring at the ceiling. He
rolls away from me and we both stare upwards now.

"Are you leaving him?" he ask softly.

"I can't . . ."

"I know. You're afraid of losing May if you tell him the truth. But what if you
don't tell him everything? Wouldn't he stay in DC anyway?" Harm asks and I close
my eyes.

"He wants me to resign my commission and move to Australia with him," I say and
he sighs.

"Is that what this is about? If I'm in DC, you have an excuse not to go? Though
I don't see how I could be your excuse if he doesn't know about us," he says
with a hint of anger in his voice.

"I'll have a reason. I'll tell him I don't want you to be the next JAG. I'll
tell him something. I don't know what. But if you're there, then I won't be so
damned tempted to leave," I say and he sighs.

"And then what, Sarah? Then what?" he asks and we both stare into the darkness
with no answers.

"Don't you miss home? Don't you miss your plane? Your old job? I can't imagine
you happy out here, sitting around in a tacky Hawaiian shirt and wondering where
your life went to."

"I don't own a tacky Hawaiian shirt," he says and I laugh.

"Not even one?"

"No. Not anymore."

"And they let you stay anyway?" I ask.

"Yeah, they let me stay. It's not a law, you know. Owning an ugly shirt."

After we finish laughing, silence fills the room again. His hand reaches out and
grabs onto mine, our fingers fitting together so easily.

"Come home," I try again.

"I'll think about it," he answers. We both roll over into each other's arms and
slowly, gently, fall back to sleep.

**************

February 26, 2008

I find her sitting out on my back porch, staring out over the hills of Oahu. The
morning is cool and she's wearing one of my Navy sweatshirts, the cuffs pulled
down over her hands. A cup of coffee is in front of her but it doesn't look like
she's even taken a sip out of it. There's no steam rising from it and I have no
idea how long she's been here. All I know is I woke up alone, like most every
morning. I was hoping for something different today.

"Hey," I say and that shakes her out of her reverie.

"Hey, yourself," she says, motioning for me to sit down next to her.

"How'd you sleep?" I ask and she just gives me a knowing smile.

"You mean for the two hours that I did sleep? It was wonderful," she says.

We both look out at the view, or rather we both avoid looking at each other.

"I'll come back," I say and she turns her head in my direction. "But only under
the condition that someday you tell him. Everything. It isn't fair, what we've
created. It isn't fair to Mic and it isn't fair to May. Mic is in love with you
but he doesn't have all the information. But then I guess he never has, has he?"

I look at her and she looks like she wants to say something but she doesn't know
what. Her mouth opens and closes and an flash of anger passes through her eyes.

"When would you like me to do this? When do you want me to tell him?" she asks,
her eyes searching mine.

"Someday when you think May is ready to find out her parents aren't everything
she thinks they are," I say and Mac shakes her head.

"When do you think that day will be? Remember how you felt when you found out
about your dad? She's just a child, Harm. I can't . . ."

"Then tell them in thirty years. Forty years. Whatever. Just promise me that
someday, you'll tell them," I say and she nods. "Time won't make it hurt any
less, you know."

"It never does. When did you become so noble?" she asks, pulling the cuffs over
her hands and taking a sip of cold coffee.

"So far I've become philosophical and noble. It must be the nice weather," I say
and she smiles. "What time is your flight?"

"It's at 1800 hours," she says, looking over to my wrist to see what time it is.
She sighs with a slight bit of relief when she figures out we have another nine
hours to be together.

"Didn't you have to be at work?" she asks, looking up towards me.

"I took the day off. I have this friend who's got this plane and he takes people
up and over the islands for sightseeing. I'm pretty sure he can fit us in if I
ask. You want to come fly with me?" I ask.

She smiles. A bright, honest smile that lights up her eyes. "I'd love to go
flying with you, Harm. Any time. Any place."

"I'll keep that in mind in case I'm ever back in DC. And if he's booked for
today, I'm sure we can find other things to do," I say, standing up to go make
some phone calls. She nods and returns her gaze back towards the hills and the
smile vanishes. Nothing can last forever. Not even this.

****************

February 26, 2008

I don't want to let him go. I don't want to say goodbye.

"I don't know when I'll be able to get here again," I say and he nods. "I don't
know when I'll see you again."

"Soon," he whispers, kissing me on the forehead. The damn gate attendant just
called one more time and I know she's staring at me. If she were me, she
wouldn't want to leave, either.

"Promise?"

"I'll try."

That's the best we ever seem to be able to do but right now, I'll take it. I
have no other choice.

"I have to go," I say, fighting the painful knot that starts in my stomach and
moves up into my chest.

"I know," he says, kissing me one last time before letting me go. I miss the
feel of him as soon as I step away. The feel. The scent. All of him. "Mac?"

"Yeah?" I ask. The gate attendant calls one more time, her voice sharper now.

"Give May a big kiss for me when you see her, okay?" He looks away from me and
towards the window before I can give him an answer.

"Of course I will," I say and I fight the urge to hug him one last time. "Think
about it. Please? Think about coming back."

"I will," he says, standing there so straight with his hands behind his back.
"You better go."

"I know. I love you," I say, walking backwards to the gate. He finally turns to
face me, so many emotions crossing his face that I can't even pick one out.

"Love you, too," he says.

I turn around and rush to the plane before I change my mind about ever going
home again.

**********