PART XIII

September 14, 2010

One of the rescue workers takes out his GPS and a map and compares the two
again. Darkness is setting in and no one has discussed whether we're heading
back tonight or continuing on and setting up camp somewhere.

"They couldn't have made it this far," the guy with the maps says, looking
around the woods that we're deep into the middle of now.

"Why not, mate?" I ask and he shakes his head.

"I'd assume with their training, they'd head out of the woods, not deeper into
the woods," he says, showing me on the map exactly how far from the edge of the
woods we are.

"You've searched the edge of the park, though, right?" I ask and he nods his
head, pointing to the map and tracing a line with his finger.

"That whole area has been covered by foot. This area has been covered by air.
We've had hikers lost in these woods before. And children. We always found them
in less time than this is taking," he says, sounding tired and aggravated. I
feel the way he sounds. I don't know where in the hell they could be and why
they didn't stay with the plane.

"Maybe they were disoriented from the crash and went the wrong way. Captain Rabb
is an experienced pilot and he's been in plane crashes before and survived. He
wouldn't put their lives in danger on purpose," I say, trying as hard as I can
to even get his name past my tongue again.

"People do strange things when they're . . . well, when they're trying to . . ."
the man starts to say and can't finish it out loud. I know what they're all
thinking. Why wouldn't they? If I were them, I'd be thinking it, too.

"Hide something?" I ask and the man sheepishly looks to the ground.

"Hey, listen man. I know it's none of my business. . ." he says and I interrupt
him before he can get out another word.

"Too right. It isn't any of your business. Your job is to find my wife and her
co-worker and you're all doing a poor job of it," I say, walking away from him,
trying to fight back the tears.

He's right. What if they did something stupid? What if . . .

No. Sarah is smarter than that. She knows that we can work out anything. Even
this. We can even work through this.

"Let's look for that cabin or shed or whatever you said was around here," I call
back to the man and he follows me in silence.

*************

December 22, 2009

She doesn't even look at me for half a second before the word 'no' comes
tumbling out of her mouth.

"No, what? I didn't even ask -" I start to say but she puts her hands up in a
defensive gesture, stopping me mid sentence. JAG Headquarters is nearly
deserted, most of the staff either gone for holiday leave or gone because of the
hour. She's the only senior staff member here.

"No, Rabb. No to everything you might say. Just . . . no," she says and I back
up out of her office without saying another word. I expected this. I expected
worse than this, actually, and maybe that's why I showed up at the office and
not at her house. I know Brumby and the kid are gone, visiting his family in
Australia for the holidays until Christmas Eve day. Harriet let that slip on the
phone earlier today.

Without stopping to look back, I go down the elevator and out the front door.
It's so damn cold here and the snow just keeps falling. I knew there was a
reason I stayed so long in Hawaii beyond all the other reasons. Judging from
what just happened, maybe I should have stayed there forever.

I pull my gloves out of my pocket and in the process, drop my keys in the snow.
The snow is falling so fast now I think they've given up on keeping the parking
lot cleared.

"Damn it," I mutter.

"Damn it is right. Why did you come back now?" I hear from behind me. I turn
around to find Mac shivering in the cold. She must have rushed out of the
building so fast, she didn't stop to grab her coat.

"Jesus, Mac. You're going to freeze," I say, starting to take my coat off to
give her.

"Don't. I don't need your damn coat," she says, putting her hands up to stop me.
Something deep inside of me wants to keep her warm and I grab her hands but she
jerks them away quickly. "I won't freeze."

"What are you doing out here?" I ask, looking towards the building. "We could go
inside and talk. That way neither of us will freeze."

"Yeah, this must be rough on you after all that time in Hawaii," she says, her
voice flat and devoid of much emotion.

"That has nothing to do with it. I don't want you . . ."

"Don't want me to what? Since when did you care so much about my well being?"
she asks, her eyes searching mine. Whatever emotions her voice is lacking can
all be found welling up in her eyes.

"Mac, I've always cared. Why do you think I didn't come back?" I ask and now her
eyes fire up.

"You're going to blame that on my well being? Only you would sink so low as to
tell me to leave my husband and then blame me when you couldn't follow through!"
she says a little louder than she should have and I look around the parking lot
to see if anyone heard. Thankfully, no one is anywhere near us and I doubt
anyone could hear over the wind.

"Could we at least get in the car and talk about this?" I ask and she looks at
me as if I'm insane. "If you don't want to go inside it's the next best
alternative. Come on, Mac. I'm freezing."

She just nods and watches as I dig my keys out of the snow. I'm inside already
with the engine started and the heat going before she walks around to the
passenger side and climbs in. We sit in silence for several minutes before I
speak.

"I'm sorry, Mac. I'm sorry for what I did. I should have said something . . .
should've called," I say and she closes her eyes, taking a deep breath.

"Is that supposed to make it all better?" she asks and I know nothing will make
this better except time.

"No," I respond and I can tell she's fighting everything she really wants to say
to me. Fighting and losing. Mac was never one to hold it all in with me and I
don't want her to now. Not after everything we've been through and everything we
are . . . or were to each other.

"Sorry isn't going to make it all better. Harm, you told me to leave Mic for you
and I would have. In a heartbeat, I would've throw it all away for you. My
marriage. My family. Hell, I'd even toss in the career and give that up for you,
too," she says, her emotions finally coming undone. "And then . . . then you
didn't come back. Didn't call. I didn't hear from you for so long and . . . damn
you. Just damn you."

***************

Before I can stop myself, I'm swinging my fists at him. I hit him hard and fast
and it takes him a moment to grab my wrists. He holds them tight and now I start
crying. I can't help it. I'm so angry at him for not ever wanting me enough and
for never being able to let go of whatever the hell it is holding back.

I look at him through the tears and just once I wish he'd cry about this. I've
cried so many tears over him and this thing we're caught up in and I'm not sure
he's shed even one. He's come close and I listened to him when he called crying
about his mother. I've watched him cry in the past. I know he's capable of it.

He just won't let go.

Harm is still holding on to my wrists, his fingers digging into my flesh until
it hurts. He doesn't let go when I try to jerk away. He just holds on tighter,
pulling me towards him at an impossible angle in this car. He holds me tight and
I don't even care who sees us anymore. No one is left working here anyway. Just
me, avoiding the holiday blues.

"I'm still sorry. I owe you more than that and we both know it. I got back there
and I was afraid of what it would do to us. I didn't want to be the person your
kid looked at as destroying her family," he says and I interrupt him before he
can go on.

"Without you, there would be no . . ."

"She's too little to see it that way. She has a father that she loves and a
family," he says and I feel the anger begin to rise up inside of me again.

"You have no right to protect her now. Or to protect me. You had no right to
make that decision on your own and you know it," I say, pulling away from him.
He reaches out to wipe a tear off of my face and I pull further away, as close
to the door as I can get.

"No, I didn't. I know that now," he says, his voice oh so soft. I told myself
never again so many times during these last few months. . . over a year now. I
waited for so long and then I said I'd never fall for him again.

Falling for him again assumes I'm over him in the first place. I look out the
window at the snow still floating down around us and I sigh. I've never been
over him. No matter what I tell myself, I still love him.

"She's getting older. She'd understand," I say, knowing it's not true. I don't
even understand all of this. It would be impossible for my daughter to
comprehend any of it.

"Mac, I lost my father when . . ."

"She wouldn't be losing her father . . ."

"Yes, she would. Everything she knows would change. Her whole world would just
fall apart," he says and I shake my head at him.

"One would think you would understand most of all, Harm. One would think after
all those years you spent without your father that you would want to be there
for her. What are you scared of?" I ask and he sighs. I know what he's afraid
of. I know what he always has been afraid of. "You're afraid that if you get to
close, you'll disappear just like your dad. Well, Harm, that's a crappy way to
live your life."

"I never said it wasn't," he says and I sit back up in the passenger seat.

"Then stop living like this," I say, squeezing his fingers that are still
holding on to mine.

"I can't."

"And I can't keep on living like this, Harm," I say, pulling my hand free of his
and wiping my tears away. "I can't keep choosing one thing only to have you run
away from it."

"I know that," he says and we both sit in an uncomfortable silence for a long
while. "I need to tell you that I'm going to be back in this office."

"Why now?" I ask and he doesn't seem to have an answer.

"Because the weather here is so much better than it is in Hawaii?" he finally
says and I laugh just a little.

I look at my watch and shake my head. We've been sitting out here longer than I
would have ever imagined and I'm going to be late for an appointment I have this
evening. It's something I have to do before Christmas.

"I really have to go. I have to pick up May's present tonight," I say and Harm
just watches me.

"What are you getting her?" he asks and now I stare at him.

"Do you want to be a part of her life or not?" I ask and he looks torn.

"I want to always be a part of your life. To at least be your friend," he says
and I'm not sure those are the words my heart wanted to hear. I'll have to take
it for now because I'm certain Harmon Rabb can't ever be more. He won't let
himself.

"I have to pick up the puppy we bought for her," I say, looking at my watch
again. Mic and I picked the puppy out a few weeks ago and she'll be eight weeks
old just in time for Christmas. May has been asking for a puppy for weeks now.

"A puppy?" he asks and I nod.

"She wanted a baby brother or sister . . ." I start to say and notice that he
stiffens up in his seat. "I'm not asking for a donation, Harm, I'm just telling
you a story. She wanted a baby but she settled on a puppy."

"Would you like for me to go with to pick it up?" he asks and I study him for a
second, trying to figure him out. I'm never going to be able to.

"Sure. Let me go back in and get my stuff and then you can follow me home and
then we'll take Mic's Land Rover. It will get us through the snow much better
than this rental car of yours or my 'Vette," I say, opening the door and
stepping out into the cold. It bites my skin and wakes me up just enough to make
me wonder what in the hell am I doing.

************

I watch Mac sit on the breeder's living room floor with the Cocker Spaniel puppy
bouncing all over her. The woman Mac bought him from has a towel and carpet
spray handy which is good because he's wet the floor about five times since
we've been her but Mac doesn't seem to care that this dog will be going on her
carpet in just a while. Actually, I haven't seen her look this happy since . . .
well, for a while.

Mac changed into jeans and a sweater when we stopped by her house but I'm still
in my uniform, snow melting off of my trench coat now. From what I can tell, it
will be just another wet puddle on this stained carpet.

"Isn't he cute?" Mac asks and then proceeds to talk in baby talk to the animal.
He tries to climb up her so he can lick her face but he keeps slipping before he
can make it that far. I just stand and watch, wondering how May will feel about
her Christmas present. I'll won't get to see the look on her face when she finds
out that she's getting a puppy and it hurts for just a second until I shake the
feeling away.

The breeder keeps looking at me and I'm sure it's because I'm not the man who
was with Mac when she picked out the puppy but she doesn't look like she's quite
sure of that fact. She narrows her eyes at me and finally says something. "So,
do you think your daughter will love him as much as your wife does?"

My eyes meet Mac's and neither of us knows what to say, most of all me. I
stammer something before Mac finally saves me. "Sure she will. Who wouldn't love
this face?" she asks, picking up the puppy and nuzzling him close.

The woman still stares at me but talks to Mac. "He eats Iams puppy food. Here,
I'll get you a little bag to take home since you might not be able to pick any
up with this weather and all," she says before wandering off to the kitchen.

Mac looks up at me and smiles, still cuddling the squirming puppy in her arms.
"She's going to love him. Her face when she sees him . . . it's going to . . . I
wish you . . ." she starts, and her expression grows distant.

"Mac, don't . . ." I say and she looks away. The puppy must sense something
because he climbs up her arms and licks her face.

"I know. But I can still wish for whatever I want," she says, blinking back the
tears. I go and kneel down beside her and now the puppy bounds over in my
direction, trying to climb up me. I take her hand in mine and put her fingers
close to my lips.

"I want things, too," I whisper and she closes her eyes, letting a tear escape
down her cheek. She leans against me and the puppy settles in between us.

"Here you are. Enough food for a week," we hear from behind us and we both jump.
I go to my feet and the woman gives me a strange look as she hands me a bag of
food. She reaches down and picks up the puppy off of Mac's lap and gives the
little guy a bunch of kisses while Mac stands up. "You be good for these people,
you hear?"

"I'm sure he will be," Mac says, putting her winter coat back on before reaching
for the dog. She snuggles him in under the coat and thanks the woman for
everything before we head back out into the cold.

************

"You knew this would happen . . ." I say as he tugs my sweater over my head,
tossing it on the floor. The puppy jumps on it, trying to turn it into a cozy
place to take a nap. He'll probably wet on it yet and . . . oh, God . . . I
don't care.

"No, I didn't," Harm says and I can't push his jacket off of his shoulders fast
enough. "When you were smacking the crap out of me, I never thought this would
happen."

"You deserved it," I say and he smiles at me, his fingers fighting to get my
jeans unfastened but he can't quite reach with his jacket wrapped around his
elbows.

"I just thought you'd punch harder, being a Marine and all," he says and I give
up him the punch he deserves right in the gut.

"Like that?" I ask and he starts to laugh and cough at the same time.

"Yeah. Like that, Marine," he says, shaking his jacket off and onto the floor.
More places for the puppy to pee. As soon as he's free of his jacket, he tackles
me and pulls me down to the floor. The room is dark except for the soft blinking
lights of the Christmas tree. I'd start a fire but it's getting hot enough in
here.

The puppy leaps up around us, but Harm pushes him away until he's finally
content with just digging through our discarded clothing. We add to the pile
quickly, my jeans, bra and underwear ending up somewhere near his shirt. Harm
gets out of his shoes and pants quickly and my eyes take in the sight of him.

I always promise myself never ever again is this going to happen and I'm so
fucking weak once he's here. I need him as much as I once needed alcohol and I
know it's terrible to need someone this much but I just do. I can't help myself.
I need him now. I'm always trading one addiction for another and now my
addiction is a person that won't let me have him entirely.

He moves over me, pushing my legs apart with his knees and I let him enter me
before my brain can begin thinking rationally again. There's no rational
thinking about this. There never will be. It's just pure need.

I wrap my legs around his waist as he drives into me. He looks desperate --
nearly as desperate as I feel -- and I fight the urge to ask him if I was the
last. He obviously wasn't mine so it would be unfair to expect the same in
return. I bite my lip at the thought that there's someone else out there who has
had him like this and Harm slows down and watches me.

"Something wrong?" he asks, his voice strained.

"Beyond the obvious?"

"Yeah . . ." he says, struggling to maintain this stillness. His body is winning
our over his mind and he thrusts into me again, slow and hard.

"Nothing. Nothing that matters right now," I say, moving so I can put my hand on
his cheek. He sighs and begins to slide in and out of my body again, my hips
moving to meet every stroke.

I turn my head to find the puppy staring at us from his pile of discarded
clothing. Thank God he can't talk or I would be in so much shit. I laugh at the
thought and Harm gives me a puzzled look. I nod towards the dog and Harm smiles
back at me, knowing exactly what I'm thinking.

He moves us so that we're on our sides, his back facing the dog with the
watchful eyes, and now he slips a hand between us to touch me in just the right
spot. I moan from all the sensations going on at once and he falls still again
as he waits for me to come around him. It doesn't take much and I'm falling into
that place again. A place where everything is perfect even if it only last for a
few seconds. He wait until it passes over me and I grow quiet again before he
begins moving.

Through gritted teeth, he manages to say something. "Is it okay?"

"Now's a fine time to ask," I say, and he nods at me, looking even more
desperate now than he did a few minutes ago. "Everything is fine, Harm. I
wouldn't let that happen twice."

I don't add 'no matter how badly I want for it to happen' even though the words
flit through my brain. Before they can become anything more than a passing
thought, he thrusts into me, deeper and harder than I imagined possible and he
comes. He doesn't do it quietly but instead says my name over and over. My name.
Not Mac, but my name. In response to the sounds he's making the puppy starts
making sounds of his own and we both turn towards him.

"He sounds like a cricket," Harm says, still trying to catch his breath.

"Yeah, he does, doesn't he?"

Harm doesn't pull out of my body right away, but rather we stay just like this,
wrapped in each other's arms. The room begins to grow chilly around us but
neither of us moves. I don't want to lose this ever again. All I want to do is
watch his face, dusted by a smattering of flashing lights, as he begins to grow
sleepy.

************

She's nestled in my arms, the puppy dozing off between us, in her bed. I know
it's not just her bed but I fight to stop thinking of her with someone else in
here. While it's just the two of us, it's her bed.

"Come here, Cricket," she says, patting the bed. The puppy looks at her, cocks
his tired head and falls right back to sleep on the warm quilt. "I seem to have
the habit of making men fall asleep."

"I'm not sleeping," I say, pulling her closer. We're buried under a pile of
quilts and blankets and the TV flickers from near the foot of the bed but
neither of us is really watching it. It's the local late night news and all
they're talking about is the snow.

"Good," she says, her hand moving across my body, warm and gentle. The wind
howls outside the windows and I'm sure I'll have to dig my little car out in the
morning. The storm is supposed to pass by then, which is good because then the
airports will reopen in time for Mac to have her daughter home for Christmas. As
much as I'd like to stay her with her through the holidays, that's far more
important.

"When it warms up, let's fly somewhere again," I say and she moves enough to
prop herself up and look at me.

"Where would you like to go?" she asks and I really don't know.

"Somewhere . . . with you. That will be good enough," I say and she smiles.

"I'll try but it won't be as easy to get away now that I have a kid, you know. I
can't just take off for the weekend and expect no one to ask questions when I
get back," she says, her fingers tracing a pattern on my chest.

"We'll go and be back before anyone knows that we're even gone. I just want to
take you somewhere. Anywhere," I say and she sighs.

"Are you really coming back from Hawaii?" she asks and I cringe. I deserve that.
I said I'd be back and then I didn't come back. All the reasons were purely
selfish and I know it. I didn't want to be the one to hurt May. I didn't want to
be the one to ruin our careers. I didn't want to be the one to blame for
anything. I still don't want to face the blame but someday, it will be
inevitable.

"I'm coming back this time. I promise. I'm scheduled to transfer in April," I
say and she sucks in a deep breath.

"Why so long?" Mac asks, resting her head on my chest now, right where she can
hear my heart beating.

"It's not that long. Just a few months," I whisper and she nods. "After all this
time, what's a few more months?"

"Forever," she says and I know exactly how she feels. The whole time I've been
in Hawaii, I've missed her. No matter how busy I get, I still missed her. Even
when I was in bed with Bobbi, I wanted it to be Mac.

"I'm coming back, Mac. We need to decide what you want to do . . ."

"I already made all those decisions once. I'm not ready to go through that
again. This time, I'm waiting to see if you do find your way back here," she
says, moving her hand so her finger rests against my lips, keeping me silent
until she moves away.

"I'm sorry."

"You should be. You don't know how many nights I cried . . ."

"Mac . . ."

"Listen to me, Harm. I was willing to give it all up for you because you asked.
I'm not so sure I can promise to do that again," she says and my heart sinks. I
did this to her. I took away something in here that I'm not sure is ever going
to come back. Trust. It's gone and I did that to her.

"Let's give it some time. I'll be back this time because they're replacing me.
They have a new XO ready to come on duty in Pearl Harbor in April and the people
leasing my apartment can move out by then," I say and she doesn't say a word for
a long time. I can't make what I did go away or make it all better. I fucked up.
I admit it.

"What are you doing for the holidays?" she asks and I close my eyes. Not what I
want to be doing, that's for sure. When I open my eyes again, she's looking up
at me.

"Christmas Eve, well . . . you know," I say and she nods. That's one of the
reasons I came back here. I wanted to go to the Wall on Christmas Eve this year.
"And then Christmas morning I have a flight out to California. Frank invited me
to spend a few days with him. Then it's back to Hawaii."

"Until April."

"Until April," I say and she just nods her head once more.

***************

December 24, 2009

"I think you're going to love what Santa Claus brought you," Mic says to a very
exhausted May as he carries her up our icy front drive. The snow stopped but
it's still going to be a white Christmas. May and Mic both look out of place
with their Southern Hemisphere tans. May's hair is even a little bleached out.

"But Santa doesn't come until tomorrow," she protests, barely able to keep her
eyes open. I get the door open and we all go into our warm house. I left the
tree lights on so it would look like Christmas and May holds her eyes open long
enough to see that there's nothing under the tree. "See . . . Santa's not here .
. ."

"This year, Santa left your present in the kitchen," I say, looking at Mic with
a smile. 'Santa' brought a gift that keeps wetting the carpet so the gift is in
where I can mop the floor easily.

He puts May down on her tired legs and she drags her feet to the kitchen, her
eyes looking back at us when she notices one of the gates we used when she was a
baby in the doorway.

"You got me a baby!" she says excitedly and Mic makes a nervous laugh.

"Not unless your mum was doing something very interesting while we were gone,"
he says and I feel the color rise to my cheeks and hope that he doesn't notice
it.

"May, go look!" I say, pushing her on.

She finally looks over the gate and her eyes grow wide with surprise as the
puppy leaps out of his little box with blankets and comes scampering towards us.
He's as sleepy as May, yawning on his way over to the gate.

"My puppy!" she says, squealing with delight as Mic pulls the gate out of the
door. He kneels down next to her and picks up the dog, showing her how to hold
him. I race off to get the camera and by the time I get back, they're in the
living room, May's new friend bouncing all over her while she giggles. The dog
makes high pitched squeaking noises, happy to have found a friend closer to his
size. "Mommy, he sounds like a cricket! Can I name him Cricket?"

I lower the camera away from face and just stare at her. She's so beautiful and
amazing and the emotions all well up in my chest and I know I'm going to cry.
She's got so many attributes of the two men I have loved the most in my life.
She's like Mic from living with him for forever and because he's her daddy and
she's like Harm . . . because there's no way she couldn't be.

"You can call him Cricket, sweetheart. I think that's a great name," I say, my
voice cracking on the words.

"You okay, luv?" Mic asks, standing up and taking the camera from me. I brush
away the tears and smile, still looking at my little girl. She's still got on
her winter coat, which is providing her with plenty of padding as the puppy
bounces all over her.

"I'm fine," I say, watching the two little ones grow tired. May puts her head
down on the carpet and Cricket squirms up beside her, licking her nose. It isn't
long until the two of them are sleeping under the Christmas tree. Mic takes one
last picture before he sweeps May up off the carpet and takes her to her room. I
follow with Cricket in my arms, and we put them both into her bed.

"I think we just made that little girl's year," Mic says, smiling down at her.
Oh God, how could I ever take this all away from him? How can Harm want to miss
all this? I'm so torn up over all of it that it hurts inside.

"I think we did good," I say and we both leave the two to sleep for a while.

Mic grabs me around my waist and spins me around, kissing me as soon as I'm
facing him. "I missed you, luv," he says, pulling away from me.

"I missed you, too," I say, looking at my watch. "But I have to go do something
yet."

"What could you possibly have to do? Get my gift from where you've been hiding
it?" he asks with a huge smile.

"Yeah, Mic. I have to go get your gift."

****************

I stand out in the cold, staring at the wall in front of me. Others are around
me, all remembering someone that can't be with them this Christmas. Some light
candles. Others leave behind mementos. Some I know from seeing them here every
Christmas Eve. We nod and smile and go back to remembering what we once had.

Even knowing he didn't die when I thought he did doesn't change the fact that I
never saw him again. That I grew up without a father. That's not entirely true.
I had Frank. I grew up without *my* father.

Someday that little girl is going to find out she grew up without her father and
she's either going to hate us all for this or she's not going to care because
she grew up with her daddy. He loves her. I know he does. The two of them love
her more than I can even imagine loving someone. I don't know what to do or how
to get in the middle of it all. Too much time has passed now. We should have
done something about this years ago.

I feel a hand on my shoulder and I turn, expecting to see one of the usual
Christmas Eve visitors stopping by to say something to me. Instead, I find Mac.

"Mac? What's the matter?" I ask and she shakes her head.

"You were just thinking about not coming back, weren't you?" she asks and I look
away from her.

"Did everybody get back safely?" I ask, avoiding her question.

"Everybody is fine," she answers and our eyes meet again. I want to know about
May and Mac knows it. I want to know what she thought of her Christmas present.
I want to know if she was excited about the puppy as Mac was.

"And . . ."

"And what?" she asks, being a little cagey with me.

"Did she like the puppy?" I ask, giving up playing around the subject.

"Do you have the right to know?" Mac asks and I just stare at her. I don't want
to get into this now because this is something we can fight about forever. We
both made a huge mistake and there's no way to fix it easily.

"No," I say and she looks down at the ground.

"She loved him. She said he sounds just like a cricket and that's what she named
him," Mac says after a long silence. That statement is followed by even more
silence on my part.

"Really?" I finally manage to say.

"Really. And why not? She's part of you, Harm. She's part of you and part of me
and we have to face up to that," Mac says and now I'm the one staring at my
feet.

"But . . ."

"But Mic loves her. I know that. You don't think this all doesn't break my heart
into a million different pieces? It crushes me every single time she smiles at
him and her eyes crinkle up like yours. It crushes me when she only wants him to
carry her somewhere or do something for her because she's now his little girl
and . . . she should have been yours," Mac says, the tears falling now. "It
wasn't worth this much pain, Harm."

"You having your daughter was worth all of this," I say, pulling her into my
arms. I can feel her body shake against mine as she continues to cry and I fight
the urge to cry, too.

"She's the only good thing that's come out of this," Mac says, her voice filled
with so much sorrow.

"We'll fix it. After I come back, we'll try to fix it all," I say and I feel her
shaking her head against me.

"There is no way to fix it so no one gets hurt," she says and I agree. We're
long past that point.

"I know. Someone's going to get hurt, Sarah," I say, kissing her on the head.
She looks up at me, her eyes red now.

"I have to get back home," she says, stepping away from my embrace and my heart
drops in my chest. She's going home to her family and I'm going back to a hotel
room until I have to get up and catch a flight out of here in the morning. I
wish she could come with and spend the night with me but I know that's
impossible. She has a family to go home to.

Mac fumbles around with something in her coat pocket and finally hands me a slip
of paper. "What's this?" I ask, trying to unfold the note. It's folded into a
haphazard paper plane and my cold fingers struggle to unfold it with gloves on.

"It's nothing," she says and I finally get it open. 'Come back to me,' is
scrawled across it and I look at Mac, the tears starting to fall down her face
again.

"I promise I'll be back this time. And we'll work it all out. You'll see," I say
and she wipes the tears away.

***********