PART XIV

September 15, 2010

"Are we close?" I ask and the man in the lead nods his head. "Then how come it
took you so long to get out here? Why weren't you out here right away?"

He ignores the anger in my voice and continues to walk towards our destination.
I'm tired and cold and I haven't talked to my daughter in a while now and I'm
sure she's terrified.

I wonder if Sarah thought about that before she took off. I wonder if she ever
thought how May would feel. I only hope I get the chance to ask her.

"We didn't make it up here because of the weather. It's probably the same
weather that knocked Captain Rabb's plane out of the sky," he says, and I
struggle to keep up with him. I'm so exhausted and I just want this to be over
soon. One way or another, it has to end.

"How do you know it was the weather that caused him to crash?" I ask and the guy
just shrugs and keeps going. No one knows what caused the accident, especially
not this guy. He doesn't seem to have that much experience in avionics. Hell, he
can't even find some cabin in the woods. "How could it take so long to find the
wreckage? One fly over and you'd have to be able to see it."

"Listen, we appreciate your concern, Mr. Brumby, but we're doing the best job we
can. We couldn't fly over it right away because of the weather. And eventually
that is how it was spotted. Someone did see it from the air and they sent in a
rough estimate of the coordinates. Now we're going to find them," he says, this
time walking away from me quickly.

I'm more angry about this than anything right now. Angry and hurt. Why in the
hell didn't she just say something? Sure, I would have fought to keep our
marriage together but if it didn't make her happy . . . Christ. I wish I would
have had a damn clue as to what was going on because now I just feel like an
idiot.

Someone in the front of the group calls out and everybody falls silent. "I think
I see it up on that ridge. We should be there in less than an hour,"he says and
I feel my heart sink in my chest. Either they won't be there and nothing will be
resolved or in half an hour, I'll find out the truth about everything.

I'm not sure which I want -- or don't want -- more.

***********

September 6, 2010

"We have to get back to the office," I say, looking over at the clock on the
night stand. "There's that hearing at 3:00 p.m. and I have a meeting at 4:30 and
. . ."

His hand skims down my body, brushing gently over my breasts and I forget the
office for a second. This has been too damn easy to do lately. The two of us
sneaking off to Harm's apartment at lunch has become a weekly occurrence and the
thought of Mondays with him is all that gets me through the weekends.

I reach for his hand and pull it up to my mouth, kissing his fingers. They taste
like us and what we just did together. I sigh at the thought that this is all we
might ever be. We've fallen into this comfortable pattern that started when he
got back last April and both of us are too scared to move in either direction.
It's as if we're waiting for someone else to find out so they can make the move
for us. There are days I wish Mic would figure it all out and I'd even be
willing to endure the inevitable questioning if it would mean an end to it all.

Then I remember that this is the family I always wanted. I would be destroying
it much the way my father destroyed ours. I'm destroying it right now simply
because of where I am and I don't know how to stop any of this.

I laugh out loud at that thought and Harm turns to look me in the eyes.
"Something funny?" he asks and I roll over so I don't have to face him. He pulls
me close to his body, his arm wrapped around me and it's so comfortable I can't
imagine ever leaving this.

"I keep telling myself that there is no way out of this but that's just a lie,"
I say and he sucks in a deep breath.

"Are you saying that you . . . do you want to . . ." he fumbles with the words
and I smile. He doesn't want to see this end anymore than I do.

"I just want there to be a solution where no one gets hurt and there is no way
for that now," I say and he pulls me even closer. "I want it so May doesn't get
hurt. I want it so May doesn't blame me for it all."

"Why do you think she'll blame you?" he asks, kissing the back of my neck
softly. I could stay here forever and forget the rest of the world if it weren't
for my little girl.

I sigh and close my eyes, remembering when I was young. "I hated my father for
making Mom go away. If only he could have . . . I don't know, not been him, she
would have stayed. I wished they would have done something to fix it. I wished
he could have given up drinking for her and I wish she would have not run like
she did."

"You aren't running away and Mic will always be a part of her life. You still
aren't afraid that she might be his, are you?" he asks and I turn in his arms,
unsure of what he's getting at.

"But if she isn't . . ."

"He's been her father for all these years. I'm not taking that away from him and
I doubt he'll take her away from you. I've never liked the guy but I don't think
he'd go that far," Harm says and I don't even want to think about it. All I ever
wanted to do was give her all the things I never had, including a happy, stable
family. I failed as miserably as my parents did but it wasn't due to alcohol.
No, this is due to thinking I could have it all and still keep everybody happy.
If everybody stays happy, no one will yell and scream.

I tense up in Harm's arms and he looks concerned. "You okay?" he asks, running
his fingers down my cheek.

"Yeah," I say, even though I'm not. We both know this can't keep going on
forever. If no one ever finds out, we're still going to have to tell them. Damn
it. Why can't he just figure it out for himself? "You know this can't go on like
this forever, right?"

"I know," he says and he props himself up on his elbow, still watching me. "Come
away with me."

"When?" I ask, wondering how much further we're going to push this. The two hour
lunches with various cover-up stories is already risky enough. There's only so
many interviews we can say we're going on without ever bringing back an
interview. Especially since we are always gone at the same time.

"This weekend . . ."

"Harm, I can't go anywhere for a whole weekend on such short notice. You know
that," I say and he looks hurt that I would turn him down so quickly. There's no
way I could do it, though. I'd have to make up too many lies.

"How about just Saturday, then?" he asks and now I'm puzzled. Obviously this
isn't about spending the night together although over the summer we did plenty
of stuff in just one day. Usually up against his plane or in the hangar.

"Where do you want to go?" I ask and he smiles.

"Nothing too special. There's just someone I want you to meet."

*************

September 9, 2010

Mac slips wordlessly into the chair across from me and then puts her lunch and
bottle of water down on the cast iron table. It's a beautiful late summer day
and most of the staff has used that as an excuse to take lunch outside. No one
ever questions when we're together at work. It's been years now that we've
occasionally met for lunch out here and nothing about this is suspicious.
Someday, when the truth comes out, people will say, 'Oh, yeah . . . I could tell
by the way he stared at her across the table' and I'll have to laugh at that
thought.

"Tough day?" I ask, sitting up straight in my chair and crossing my arms in
front of me. Sometimes I forget I can't reach out and touch her. People might
notice that.

"Absolutely awful," she says, looking up at me with exhausted eyes. "May didn't
want to go to sleep last night and then she didn't want to get up this morning.
Mic is working on some case that has him on edge and I'm buried under the Kain
trial."

I lean in just a little and watch as she opens up her lunch and ask, "Will you
be able to . . . you know . . ."

She nods and I stop asking. No need saying anything more out here. "Does she
know you're coming to visit?" she asks, not adding herself to the phrasing.

"The nurse told her but I doubt she will remember it," I say, looking away from
Mac. "From what I understand, I don't think she'll even remember me."

"I'm sorry," Mac says with a sigh, and now I'm sorry I added this to her already
bad week.

"If you're not up to it . . ." I say and she picks at her food a little before
putting her fork to the side.

"It's not that, Harm. It's just that I'm not sure why you want to do this now.
She won't know who I am so why?" she asks, her voice barely rising above a
whisper.

"Because I want you to know her. You should since . . . because of May . . . " I
start to say and someone walks too close to the table and we both sit up
straight and look at anything else but each other. "I know she'll never
remember, but I'd like it."

"I'll be there. For you," she says with a slight smile. "But we have to be back
by Saturday night."

"I'll have you back whenever you need to be back," I say and she looks around
again. No one is paying any attention to us. They hardly ever do.

"I'd love to stay longer but I can't," she says, picking up her fork and picking
at her food again. "I would call once we get there and say I got delayed but . .
. I just can't this time."

"I know," I say. Sometimes she acts like she's the only one who has something to
lose in all of this. Both of our careers are on the line and one slip up could
jeopardize everything we've worked so hard for all these years. I know something
will have to change, but I'd rather be in control of that change. "It will be
okay, Mac. I'll have you back before the plane turns into a pumpkin."

"Some other time . . . we can . . ." she starts to say, making a little motion
with her hand.

"You better count on it."

**************

September 11, 2010

I park my car near the main hangar and grab my bag so I can change my clothes
before we go. Once again, I had to leave in my uniform if I wanted my story to
be plausible. Mic was barely awake when I told him I had to make the long drive
to Norfolk about a case I'm working on. That should give me ample time to go
with Harm and get back. May was still fast asleep when I kissed her good-bye. I
told Mic there might be a chance I have to stay over tonight but I doubted it,
not wanting to push my luck.

Harm is nowhere to be found, so I go into the little bathroom and change and I
still don't see him when I take my clothes back to the car. Maybe he changed his
mind and just didn't let me know except his car is here. I go to call him on my
wireless phone when he finally walks from around the building and waves to me.

"I thought maybe you changed your mind," I say, walking towards him.

"I was in the office checking the weather and making some last minute
arrangements for transportation on the other end. I didn't see you drive up," he
says, pulling me into his arms for a hug and a kiss. We stand there like this,
holding onto each other for what seems like minutes. "I've missed you."

"You saw me all week," I say, smiling. It's still nice to know after all this
time, he still misses me. Sad that I find satisfaction in that, but nice still
the same. He releases me and takes my hand as we walk towards the plane. "You're
all ready to go?"

"I've been here for a few hours already checking her out," he says, his eyes
twinkling when he looks at his airplane like a little boy looking at a Christmas
tree.

"I'm surprised you could stay away from her so long when you were in Hawaii. You
probably missed that plane more than you missed me," I ask and he has to
consider it before grabbing me in his arms and giving me a long, deep kiss. My
insides begin to flutter before he lets me go and then he looks from me to the
plane again.

"It was close, but I missed you more."

I punch him on the arm and he fakes pain as we both laugh. "You were probably
holed up with some native girl and you never thought about me," I say and he
gets quiet. Too quiet. "Was there . . . someone?"

"Not . . . no. Mac, it wasn't anything like that," he says and I fight the urge
to ask more. I want to know more but then again, I don't. Just like I'm sure he
doesn't want to know anything about Mic.

"It's okay," I whisper and he pulls me close again.

"You ready to fly?" he asks, moving us away from that uncomfortable topic.

"With you? Always."

"Then can I ask you a favor?" he asks, looking away from me.

"What is it?" I ask back and he takes my left hand in his.

"I've never asked you to do this before and you can say no . . . but can you
take these off for just today?" he asks, twisting my engagement ring and wedding
band around my finger.

I look down and barely think about it before slipping them off and tucking them
into the pocket of my jeans.

***************

We land at the small airfield near my grandmother's farm and there's nothing
here but one of the old farm trucks with a note stuck under a windshield wiper
and the keys tucked under the seat.

"Trusting, aren't they?" Mac asks and I nod.

"Who would want to steal this? It could possibly be the oldest truck in the
county," I say, tossing some stuff that I don't want to leave in the plane into
the back of the truck. "Sam got a ride back to the farm and we should just go
over there."

"Sam?" she asks.

"Sam has been Grandma's farm hand for years. And a little more, I suspect but I
never had the nerve to ask," I say, not really wanting to think of my
grandmother like that. Mac just nods with understanding. "I think this has been
harder on him than on anyone. He's losing a lot."

"I can't even begin to imagine," Mac says, getting in the truck and slamming the
heavy door. I follow suit and turn the noisy engine over and soon we're on our
way, traveling down a narrow country highway. Not much changes around here and
as we pass a farmer moving at a snail's pace on his John Deere, he gives us a
friendly wave. He probably thinks we're Sam.

Finally, we arrive at Grandma's farm and I pull the truck up into the circular
drive. "They've rented off a lot of the land in the last few years. Sam keeps as
much as he can manage but the acreage is a lot smaller than it was when I was a
kid."

"I bet you had fun here when you were younger," Mac says, getting out of the
truck and looking around. I blush a little when she turns her attention to the
barn and it doesn't escape her attention. "Harm, what did you do with the local
farm girls? Roll around in the hay?"

"I'm not telling you," I say with a quick grin as I walk past her to the kitchen
door. The screen door opens with a loud squeak, alerting anyone in the house to
our presence. "When I was a kid, I was certain she never oiled this so she could
tell when I was sneaking out."

"Why didn't you just go out the front door?" Mac asks and I shrug my shoulders.

"No one ever uses the front door," I say as we walk through the kitchen. The
house seems so still now and it was a shock the last time I was here to not find
my grandma standing in the kitchen baking or cooking something. It still hurts a
little this time not to find her standing there, wiping her hands on her apron
before welcoming me with open arms.

"Harm? Is that you?" a male voice calls out from the living room and we follow
it there.

"It's us, Sam," I say and the older man stands up and shakes my hand before
pulling me into a grandfatherly hug. He moves his attention quickly from me to
Mac and I can tell by his grin that he's pleases with what he sees. "Sam, this
is Sarah MacKenzie."

"Call me Mac," she says, taking his hand in hers.

"We've already got enough Sarahs around here, I guess," Sam says, looking tired
and sad. "For now at least."

"How's she doing?" I ask and Sam just shakes his head.

"She's got moments when she remembers everything with vivid clarity and at other
times, she doesn't even know who I am," he says, his voice not hiding the pain
of the whole situation. "Today isn't a good day, so don't expect too much."

"I just wanted to see her. And to have Mac meet her," I say.

"So, you're Harm's newest girl?" Sam innocently asks and Mac looks at me quickly
before answering.

"We've known each other for quite a while but . . ."

"I gotcha," Sam says, sitting back down in a huge recliner. He isn't going to
judge anything about us. Not after all these years with Grandma. "Go on up and
see her. The nurse just got her all bathed and pretty this morning. Not that
Sarah isn't always pretty."

"Thanks, Sam," I say.

"Oh, she's staying in the back bedroom now. It was too hard getting up and down
those stairs," Sam adds and I look towards the narrow staircase leading to the
second floor of the old farmhouse. I can't imagine my grandmother staying in a
room without all her belongings and memories but I guess much of that doesn't
matter now.

I take Mac's hand and lead her to the small downstairs bedroom that no one ever
used. I think Grandma used to do her ironing in here and not much else. I knock
on the door and here a small 'come in' before opening it and entering. Mac hangs
back behind me, not sure what to expect.

Grandma looks a lot smaller than the last time I saw her, but her hair is still
neatly pulled up on her head and she has on a housecoat that makes her look like
. . . a grandmother. She has a hospital bed to sleep on but right now she's
sitting in her old rocking chair, the TV softly playing in the corner.

She turns to me, her eyes meeting mine and for a second there's a flash of
recognition there.

"Harm, how good of you to come visit," she says, motioning for me to come
further into the room. Her eyes go past me and fall on Mac.

"Grandma, this is . . ."

"Trish, whatever did you do to your hair?" she asks and I feel my heart sink in
my chest. She thinks I'm my father, coming to visit with Mom. She wouldn't
remember that both of my parents are gone now.

Mac steps up quickly and takes one of Grandma's hands. "You like it?" she asks,
and Grandma reaches out with her other hand and touches Mac's soft, brown hair.

"It suits you," she says, her eyes meeting mine again. "When are you ever going
to give me grandchildren?"

"All in good time," Mac says and I nod, fighting off the tears. I feel as if I'm
losing the last of my immediate family and it hurts.

"That's good to hear, dear," Grandma says, moving her hand to Mac's cheek. I
wanted Mac to meet her but not necessarily like this.

"And if we have a little girl, I hope she looks just like you," Mac finishes,
and in a way, that's already happened. May does look a little like my
grandmother but how would Mac know that until now?

"You just make sure that he doesn't do anything crazy when he flies and I'm sure
that will happen," Grandma says and Mac assures her she's keep me safe.

*************

"I'm sorry," Harm says as we walk around the farmyard, enjoying the warm, late
summer air.

"For what?" I ask and he doesn't answer right away. "She is a very beautiful
woman, Harm. It's not her fault or your fault that this happened to her."

"She's sure you're my mother," he says and I smile.

"And she thinks you're her son but that's okay, Harm. I still got to meet her. I
always thought that May's eyes looked like yours but now I can see that they're
hers," I say and Harm smiles at that thought.

"She's an incredible woman. After my grandfather was killed, she raised Dad by
herself and then lost him, too. And then she almost lost me but in the end, she
managed to save me. It's because of something she said that I became a lawyer.
If I wouldn't have done that, I would have never met you," he says, pulling me
close. It's nice being out here, where no one knows what we really are nor do
they care. To these people, I'm just Harm's 'girl' and I can live with that for
a day. No one needs to know that I'm a Colonel in the United States Marines and
that what we're doing together is in violation of several regs. None of that
matters today.

"Show me the barn," I say and he laughs.

"What for?" he asks, not moving in that direction.

"Show me where you seduced all those young farm girls when you would stay here
as a teenager," I say and he just shakes his head.

"Did you take a look around? How many young farm girls do you think really were
in the neighborhood back then?" he asks and I shrug my shoulders.

"At least one?"

"Yeah. Just one . . . but nothing happened. At least not when we were kids," he
says and I smile at him.

"So, who would this young farm girl be?" I ask and he just smiles at me and
opens the big door to the barn.

"I didn't even know you then so it's none of your business," he says as we walk
into the darkness of the barn. It's neater than any barn I've ever seen before
and there is no hay to roll around in and I ask Harm about it.

"Where do you roll around if there's no hay?"

"You don't," he says, pulling me further into the barn. "I think they once kept
hay in here. I remember my mom saying something about it, but it's been a long
time since they've had livestock around here."

An old dog comes clattering from behind a piece of farm equipment and walks up
to Harm without any hesitation. He sits at Harm's feet and begins scratching his
ear with his back paw.

"I believe this is Scratch Two or Three. I'm not sure what they're up to, now,"
Harm says, kneeling down beside the dog and helping it by scratching its ears.

"They all have the same name?" I ask and he nods.

"The cats you have to name yourself. There's too many of them to keep up with,"
he says, standing back up again. The dog flops down right in that spot and
starts to snooze. He walks to the far corner of the barn and just stares at a
spot for a long time.

"What is it?" I ask, standing next to him and wrapping my arm around his.

"That plane you were just in today . . . this is where she sat for decades until
I refurbished her. She really means a lot to me. If Grandma wouldn't have
suggested I come out here and work on her, I don't know what I would have
become," he says, the memories beginning to overwhelm him. I pull Harm into my
arms and we just stand in the dark barn, rocking slowly together.

"Sometimes I'm so envious of you and the family you have. A mother who would
never leave you. A father who loved you. A grandmother who would do anything to
see that you're back on your feet again. All I ever had was Uncle Matt," I say,
rising up on my feet to give Harm a light kiss on the lips. He returns it and we
both go back to rocking together.

"I'm envious of the family you have now. A husband and a little girl. I could
have been . . . it should have been mine," he says and I don't know what to say.
I feel a lump rise up to my throat because I've always wanted it to be his
family. I settled for what I have just to have a family. I wanted May to have a
secure place to grow up and I didn't want her to suffer like I did and Mic has
given her all of that. He shouldn't be punished now for what we have done but I
want so much more.

"It still can be yours," I say and he looks down at me. "You'll just have to
share it a little because I can't take her away from Mic."

"I know," Harm says, pulling me even closer. I'm almost afraid to make any
promises to him right now because I'm not sure how much of this he's sincere
about or how much is just in reaction to his grandmother's condition. After the
thing with Hawaii, I'm still a little on edge when it comes to making major
decisions.

He leans down and starts kissing me again and as appealing as the though of
making love to him in this barn is, that's not what we're here for. I stop him
as his hands begin to wander under my shirt and pull away.

"You need to go spend time with her, Harm. That's what we're here for," I say
and he agrees.

"Next time we go flying, it will be just you and me, okay?" he asks and I nod
quickly.

"That sounds too good," I say, giving him one more kiss before we head back to
the house.

*************

The visiting nurse returns and I give Grandma a kiss goodbye, knowing she still
doesn't realize who I am, leaving her in her room. I find Mac sitting out on the
couch, watching TV with Sam and chatting about some news item. Sam appears to be
quite taken with her.

Thunder rumbles off in the distance and I become all too aware of the weather
around us. Knowing exactly what I'm thinking, Sam flips to the weather channel
and I focus on the local area.

"We're going to have to fly a different path than the one we came in, but I
should be able to get us around it," I say and Mac just stares at me.

"If it's a problem, I can stay," she says, sounding nervous at the prospect of
either flying in inclement weather or having to explain where she is and why
she's not coming home. I'm not sure which one worries her more.

"We'll be okay," I say but she still doesn't look sure. "I've had to do this
before. I know what I'm doing."

"If anything happens, you'll come back, right?" Sam asks and I assure him that
we will turn around if I can't avoid it.

"It's a really small storm. It might dissipate before we even get off the
ground," I say and Sam stands up, ready to drive us back to the airfield.

"Next time, you'll stay longer?" he asks, directing his question mainly to me
but he gives Mac a quick glance, too.

"I would love to stay longer," Mac says and I smile, glad that despite the
circumstances, she enjoyed her visit.

"We better get going," Sam says and we follow him out the door to the old truck.
He drives us back to the tiny airfield and the sky looks calm over us and the
windsocks are hardly lofting into the air at all.

Sam pulls me into his arms for one more hug and I pat him on the back, knowing
the pain he must feel right now. This time, he gives Mac a hug, too and then we
both watch as he pulls off to return as quickly as he can to the farm and my
grandmother.

"He's a nice man," Mac says as I get the plane ready. She wanders around me,
watching my thorough inspection.

"He's a very good man. I know he's worried about what I'm going to do with the
farm when Grandma passes away, but I can't imagine taking it away from him. I
can't imagine selling it, either," I say, crawling under the plane and
inspecting more hoses.

"A farm would be a nice place to get away to," Mac says and I look up at her and
smile.

"We could even get some hay," I say and that puts a smile on her face, too.

"Hay would be a requirement," she says in agreement and we both laugh.

"Next time you can get away, I promise there will be hay," I say, climbing out
of under the plane and wiping my greasy hands on my jeans. She grabs for me and
pulls me into a long, hard kiss and we end up pressed against my plane.

"We could do it right here. Right now," she says, breaking the kiss, and it's a
tempting thought. There's nothing like making love to someone up against an
airplane while standing in a country field. But . . . there's the weather. And
she has to get home.

"Next time," I say and she just kisses me one last time before climbing up into
the plane and putting on her gear.

*************

"Harm," I call out and he doesn't answer me right away. "Harm?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you have to land her somewhere? I'd rather do that than . . ."

"We'll be okay," he shouts back over the headsets and I try to believe him. The
whole trip so far has been turbulent and I'd rather put her down somewhere, call
home and make up some excuse than keep flying through this.

He sounds confident so I try to relax despite the rough air we seem to be
struggling through. I even go as far as closing my eyes, trying to remember that
Harm has flown through worse. At least no one is shooting at us. And that he can
get us out of most bad situations.

Then I remember that we nearly crashed this plane before and that we did crash a
fighter plane once. Or rather, were shot down. Harm isn't the luckiest man alive
by any measure. And I'm stuck in a plane with him flying through less than
perfect weather.

That will teach me the next time he wants to fly away somewhere for a day. Maybe
just once we can drive. Or take a commercial flight. Wait. Harm really doesn't
have much better luck with those, either.

Driving seems to be the best solution. I've spent many hours with Harm in a Navy
issue automobile and not much has happened. Get him in the air and all hell
breaks loose.

"We're going to have to skirt around the Shenandoah National Park and that
should get us out of this weather," he calls to me and I open my eyes again,
looking over the side of the plane. There's nothing there but woodlands for
miles and miles. "When we get around it, we'll head east and then north towards
DC. That should get us around the worst of it."

"Or we could just land somewhere," I shout back but he ignores me, instead
focusing on keeping this flight as smooth as possible. I close my eyes again,
and pray for something to keep us aloft. I pray for Harm not to let us fall from
up this high. I just want to get home to May. That's all I'm asking for right
now.

A sudden boom makes me open my eyes again but I'm not sure what happened. I'm
not even sure anything has happened just yet. I stay as still as I can, hoping
that was nothing.

"Fuck!" Harm shouts from behind me and I know it was more than just nothing.

***********