PART VI

September 13, 2010

"May, luv, could you please finish your dinner?" I ask as I watch her shove her
food across the plate but never put any of it in her mouth. I don't blame her
for not eating. I don't much feel like eating, either.

"Where was Mommy going?" she asks me, her eyes coming up from the uneaten plate
of macaroni and cheese and meeting mine.

"I -- I don't know where your mum was going, May. Maybe she was working," I lie
and she knows it. She's a bright little girl.

"You said she went with some bastard. Who?" May asks, her eyes looking back down
to her plate.

"May!"

"I heard you say it. You thought I was sleeping, but I wasn't," May says,
sounding so innocent. Then again, she is the innocent one in all this.

"I don't want you talking like that, May. Do you understand me?" I say sternly.
She pinches up her face and I know she's going to start crying at any second.
I've seen that face enough times in her lifetime to know what it means.

"I'm sorry, Daddy," she says. Her fork falls out of her hand and she shoves her
plate away.

We both sit there in silence, May with tears falling down her cheeks. If Sarah
is . . . if she's gone, how am I ever going to explain all this to my daughter?
I wouldn't even know where to begin. May, your mum apparently never really loved
your dad, and that's why she died with that 'bastard.' Oh, that sounds
brilliant. Did Sarah ever think about this before she took off with him? Did she
ever wonder what in the hell I would have to say to her daughter -- their
daughter -- my daughter. She's my daughter now and I'm all she has left. Damn
them.

"It's okay, May. It will all be okay," I say, my eyes looking away from her. I
keep telling her that. I keep telling myself that. Only, I'm not sure it will
ever *all* be okay again.

*********************

June 15, 2005

"How's the baby?" Harm asks as we meet up in the hall outside of the courtroom.

"She has a name, Harm. It's May," I say and he gives me a quick grin. "We call
her May more and baby less now that she's over a year old."

"I'm sorry. How is May?" he asks. People walk brush past us, moving into the
courtroom, but we stand there on the outside. On the inside, we are facing each
other. He's the prosecuting attorney and I'm sure he's doing this just to get me
off of my game. We rarely ever discuss my daughter otherwise and he knows full
well that this case is getting to me.

"May is fine. She had a nice first birthday party," I say, looking down at the
floor. He's not going to get to me. He's just not going to do it and use my
child along the way.

"Sorry I couldn't make it," he says softly. He volunteered to take a case that
came up suddenly the week of her birthday. It required an overseas trip to Japan
and even though Singer offered to handle it by herself, Chegwidden gave it to
Harm to deal with alone. "Robin and I both wish we could have been there."

I look up at him and into his eyes. They plead for forgiveness but I don't even
think he knows what for.

"That's okay. With the Roberts family there, it was quite a crowd," I say,
letting him off the hook. I always let Harm off the hook. Except in the
courtroom. That's the only place I don't just let him get away with this thing
he does. Even if I know the person I'm defending is as guilty as hell. I still
put up a fight because that's what my client deserves. They don't deserve an
attorney bullied by Harmon Rabb.

"I'm still sorry. We have a gift for her. I'll try to remember to bring it in
before she gets too big," Harm says, his voice doing what it always does to me.
Not now, Mac. He's just using our past together to throw you off. I close my
eyes again and I feel him put his hand on my arm. "Good luck in there,
counselor."

Harm's hand moves away and so does he. He opens the courtroom door and leaves me
standing there in the hallway.

Damn him. He can't win this one. I know he's going to already and that just
pisses me off.

*************

Mac stopped watching me in court a long time ago. She listens, she just doesn't
look. She offers up all the right objections at all the right places. She
presents a good argument. She crosses all the witnesses with her expertise
skill. But she never turns in my direction. Not even during something as
difficult as this particular case. *Especially* not during something like this.

Cases with children involved are the hardest to deal with and this one is
perhaps the worst we've seen in years. It's one of those I always hoped would
just remain a story on the news involving other people and not something I'd
ever have to take a part of.

"Seaman O'Brien, you stated that you didn't realize you were pregnant until you
were in your third trimester," I say, looking at the young woman on the stand.
Her ex-boyfriend, Petty Officer Terrence Corby, allegedly dumped their newborn
baby girl in the trash, believing she would ruin his chance for advancement in
the Navy. O'Brien took a plea for her part in it. Now she's testifying against
the father of her dead child.

"Yes, sir," she says nervously. She wiggles around in the seat and tears spring
to her eyes again. Every time I start this line of questioning, she starts
crying again. Twice we have had to stop while she tried to get the uncontrolled
sobbing back under control.

"And you already stated that at that time, Petty Officer Corby threatened to
leave you unless 'you got rid of the baby'."

Corby stated it, too, when he was arrested. Then he pulled his statement, saying
that O'Brien did it all, tricking him into helping her discard their child. When
enough evidence was gathered against him, instead of taking a plea like his
ex-girlfriend, he decided to take a chance with the courts. Decided to take a
chance up against me.

Mac's a great attorney, but I'm not letting this kid out of this one. He shirked
his duties as a father and he should pay.

O'Brien pulls a handful of tissues out of the box next to her and tries to
control the tears. This just isn't going to work.

"Yes, sir," she says, her voice cracking even on those two words.

"When you told him no, what happened?" I ask, my voice as soft and soothing as I
can make it. Corby sits next to Mac, looking smug, his eyes never leaving Seaman
O'Brien. He's practically staring her down, waiting for her next move.

"I never looked pregnant, sir. I looked like I had gained a little weight, but
not that much. When the time came for the baby to be born, we went to my mom's
apartment. To my old room. She was at work . . ." her face pinches up into a
look of extreme pain and regret again.

"Take your time, Seaman O'Brien," Admiral Slater says from the bench. She grabs
more tissues and blows her nose, her face red and puffy from all her crying. I
know we aren't going to get very far today either.

"Terry . . . Petty Officer Corby helped me give birth and then . . ."

She's never going to get through this. I turn to look at Mac but she diverts her
eyes away quickly. Her client does not.

I go to my table and pick up the next trial exhibit and enter it into evidence.

"Is this your baby, Seaman O'Brien?" I ask, holding up the police photo for her
to look at. She barely glances at it and all the tears gushing. She is now
sobbing loudly and I'm sure Slater will call another recess soon.

I look again at Corby. So does the jury.

Not a single teardrop has flowed from his eyes since this whole thing began.

**************

June 20, 2005

"I'm sorry," Harm says to me from the doorway to my office.

"No, you're not."

"He was guilty as hell, Mac, and you know it," he says, waiting for me to invite
him in so he can gloat. I did my best in that courtroom but that didn't mean
shit against Harmon Rabb and his star witness. She turned on the water works
every single time he asked her a question. How was I ever going to win?

Harm stops waiting for me to ask him to come in and finally he just does it. I
look up from my computer monitor as he sits down opposite of me. He looks tired.
This case, like any case dealing with murdered children, has worn both of us
out.

"I just don't know how someone could do that to their baby. I don't know how she
could have allowed it," I say, looking away from him again. Since I became a
mother, these things have become harder to deal with. The mere thought of May .
. . of losing May makes me cry. I sniffle a little and Harm sits up straighter.

"You okay?" he asks and I nod yes.

"Yeah. I'm fine. Sorry about that. I guess it's just a mother thing. I can't
imagine life without May now that I have her." I begin to type something on my
keyboard and he takes well over a minute to say something. I so wish I knew what
he thinks about when I talk about my child. He never says much of anything. We
slipped so easily back into being 'just friends' that sometimes I can't even
remember the weekend we were something else.

That's a lie.

Of course I remember. Every damn minute of it I remember with perfect clarity. I
lean my head forwards and shut my eyes, trying to make those memories to go
away. They have no right to invade my thoughts while he's sitting right here. I
hear something move across my desk but I don't look. I'm still trying to win
over my memories. I'm happy. Happy with my home life. Happy with Mic. With May.
I shouldn't be thinking these things.

"Nothing could be worse than losing a child. Except maybe never having them to
love in the first place," he says and I slowly open my eyes and stare down at my
lap. What in the hell is he getting at?

"You should get married. You and Robin. And have kids. I think you'd make a
great dad," I say softly. He would make a good dad and I've thought about it
enough to know. I've thought about it and then shoved those same thoughts as far
away as I can.

In all these years, I've never said anything like that to him. A part of me
isn't sure I want to burn that bridge forever. All these years I wanted him to
remain unattached in case . . . I needed him. But I can't do that anymore. If I
hadn't gotten pregnant with May, we'd probably still be having an affair. I
would have left Mic. Then again, Harm would have said something if he wanted me
to leave Mic. Wouldn't he? I don't know. It doesn't matter. I *was* already
pregnant that weekend we spent together. I have to make myself believe that if
any of this is going to work. If Harm would make a great dad, Mic makes an
exceptional one. The feeling I get just watching him with that little girl is
beyond words.

"We could," Harm says, interrupting my thoughts. Just the tone of his voice lets
me know that she would be his second choice. Damn him. I don't want to go
through this again. He's had too many chances to say something. To say anything.
"I'm leaving a little early today."

He tosses something onto my desk before quietly leaving my office. I stop
staring at my lap and look to see what he did.

There's a little paper plane on my desk. I stare at it for a full five minutes
before touching it. He can't. He wouldn't. God, please don't let this all start
again.

Yes, God. Please let this happen again.

I'm not sure which I want more.

I finally make myself reach for the airplane and unfold it.

It's nothing but a blank sheet of paper.

*************

"What are you thinking about?" I ask as I run through the pre-flight checklist
one more time. She leans against Sarah's fuselage and watches me crawl
underneath my plane and check for anything that might be amiss. I haven't had
much time to take her out recently even though it's been a beautiful summer so
far.

"A case I was working on," she answers. She shifts her gaze off into the
distance, toward the windsocks at the end of the field.

"Bad one?"

"No worse than what you just had to deal with, but it's pretty bad," Robin says.
I pull off a fitting and put it back on again, making sure it is tight.

"Really? What's going on?" I ask. Her ability to see what she sees everyday yet
not let it tear apart her life amazes me. I saw combat from the air. It was
never 'personalized' with faces and names. She sees it in the streets every
single day. People killing people for no other reason than they just don't care
anymore.

"Domestic. A man caught his girlfriend cheating so to get back at her, he
allegedly killed her twelve year old son and then killed the man she was
sleeping with. He wouldn't kill her, though, because he loves her. Talk about
messed up in the head," Robin says with a sigh. "He told her he did it to prove
he loved her."

"It can get messy . . . cheating and all," I say, not looking at her. Not
looking at anything. I've handled cases that dealt with it where it led to
murder. I know all too well the emotions it involves.

All too well.

"Would you? Ever do that?" she asks and I stop moving around. She's watching me
closely, analyzing my next step. She's always the investigator.

"Kill my family or cheat on my spouse?" I ask with a nervous smile.

"Either."

"Probably not," I answer, turning from her and checking out the tires. We are in
the process of taking off for the weekend, something we've put off for a long
time. A crisis would always come up at my job or at hers so even after all this
time, we've never just flown off together. Or maybe it's more than just the job.
That was just what I was giving her as an excuse. Maybe I just wasn't ready to
do this with someone else yet. A long time has passed, but this was . . .
something more than just flying.

"Probably not? That evokes a lot of confidence, doesn't it?" she says with a
laugh. "I would at least like for you to be sure you wouldn't kill me."

"Or cheat on you?" I ask, curious as to why she mentioned one but not the other.

"One never knows about the human heart," she says with a soft sigh. It makes me
flinch only slightly but I'm sure she noticed my reaction. She notices a lot.

"No, they don't," is all I can say.

*************

I walk through the front door to find both my daughter and husband grinning at
me. Grins that make me suspect they are guilty of something.

"What's going on here?" I ask, setting down my briefcase and keys. It's been a
long, miserable day and Harm wandering into my office to gloat didn't make it
any better.

"We've got a surprise for you, luv," Mic says, kissing me on the cheek. May
squeals with delight and jumps from his arms to mine. She's at that nice age
where she doesn't have to eat constantly or be burped or this and that, but
she's still very much a baby.

"Momma," she says, snuggling up against me.

"What kind of surprise do you have for me, May?" I ask and Mic takes her out of
my arms and kneels down with her.

"I've been holding her back all afternoon waiting for you to get home, Sarah,
but I think you'll be proud of what we learned," Mic says, still smiling. "Get
down here, too."

I kneel down and May begins to squirm in his arms, begging to be set free. I put
my arms out to her and in a instant that seems to last forever and yet go by too
fast, she toddles over to me for the first time, lunging for me when she gets
close.

"How wonderful!" I exclaim and she claps her little hands in absolute delight.
Mic is clapping along with her and we both are as delighted as two parents could
possibly be.

"I knew you'd be proud of our little girl," Mic says, moving over to where we
are. May fights to get off my lap and she toddles a few feet before falling on
her rear end. Her diaper makes a plastic 'poof' sound as it pads her fall, but
she's not slowed down for long.

"Were those really her first steps, Mic?" I ask, already knowing the answer.

"I'm sorry, Sarah. I couldn't stop her. She just went from the couch to the
chair so quickly. But that's the first time she walked to you. That ought to
count for something, doesn't it, luv?" he asks, putting his arms out for May to
fall into.

"Yes. It's better than not seeing it at all," I say with a weak smile.

*************

August 3, 2005

"My mother wants to know when we're ever getting married," Robin says out of the
blue and I choke on my mouthful of beer, coughing and sputtering for a long
time. Other patrons in the restaurant all turn to look at me, probably hoping
that I don't die and ruin their meals.

"She does?" I ask as soon as I can talk again. Everybody has gone back to their
meals after deciding that I was going to live. "What did you tell her?"

"I told her the truth. I said we are both very busy with our careers right now.
That even after a year, we aren't sure we want to spend every single night of
our lives together. And that you are in love with someone else even though
you'll never admit it."

I choke again. People turn around again. "What?"

"You heard me, Harm," she says with a nervous laugh. She hands me a napkin so I
can wipe the beer off of my chin.

"I'm not, you know. In love with someone else," I say, looking away from her.
I'm sure I love Robin and if I were going to spend the rest of my life with
someone . . . she would probably be it.

"Harm, don't lie to me. It's not like I've tried to lasso you into a marriage
and have lots and lots of babies. That's something I'm not even sure I want
right now -- especially if people will call me Robbie Rabb. But after all this
time, you could at least tell me what went on between the two of you," she says.
She reaches across the table and rests her hand on my arm.

"Between me and who?" I ask, a nervous smile forcing its way to my face.

"Stop it." She calls my bluff. She's great at her job and she's a great
investigator. She senses when something is wrong and this time is no different.

I have to tell her. She's known for a while. I know that. But I still don't want
to do this.

"It was a while ago. Almost two years ago. One weekend. That's it, Robbie.
Nothing more," I say, my voice barely rising loud enough to get the words out.

She removes her hand from my arm and turns her face away, slowly turning this
information around in her mind. I know how her mind works. I know she's going to
ask questions she already knows the answers to. If she hadn't had her heart set
on law enforcement, she would have made a great attorney. "What happened? Why
did it end?"

"I think you know."

It ended and all the reasons why don't matter anymore. They just can't. But she
won't let it go yet.

"Hmm," is all she says. She stares at the other patrons in the restaurant for
over a minute before saying anything else. "Then you met me."

"Then I met you," I say, wishing she would look at me, but she doesn't. This
would be so much easier if I knew exactly what she was thinking.

"Is that why it ended? Because of me?" she asks, finally turning to look my way.

"There were other reasons. Careers. Families. It wasn't ever going to work out,
Robbie. Too much time went by and too much regret was included in the package,"
I say, putting my hand over top of hers. She flinches under my touch and tries
to pull away but I don't let her.

"If she . . . " Robin starts but turns her head away again, thinking. "If she
would have left him, would you have . . . would you two be together?"

"Robin, it doesn't matter. She has her family and she's happy. That's all she's
ever wanted. A good career and a comfortable, secure family," I say, staring
down at my hand over Robin's. I'm sure she's known this for a long time, but I
would never discuss it. Just like Mac and I never do. And I'm certain beyond a
shadow of a doubt that Mic doesn't know. He would have come and killed me by now
if he did know.

"You couldn't give her a family? Or is it you couldn't give her a comfortable,
secure family?" she asks and I have nothing to say just yet. "If you couldn't
give her that, then how will you ever be happy enough with someone else to make
a permanent commitment?"

"Mic Brumby gave Mac the family she wanted and that has nothing to do with you
and me," I say, admitting by name who we've been talking about this whole time.
That makes her turn to look at me. "That was the decision she made."

"Yes, it was. She chose to marry him. She chose to have his baby. Now you have
to get over all of that and make some decisions about your life that have
nothing to do with her. Time to move on, Harm," she says, her eyes so clear and
sure about this that I nod my head in agreement.

"Yes, it is."

She lets out a gentle sigh and finally pulls her hand out of under mine.

"Good," she says, her fingers lacing with mine. "I love you, you know."

I just smile and take another sip of my beer.


****************