PART VII


September 13, 2010

"Go fish, Daddy!" May says, looking at her cards with glee as she squirms around
in her seat. I draw another card and make my first match.

"I'll beat you yet," I say and she just smiles and shakes her head no as she
decides what to ask for next.

It's past her bedtime, but neither of us feels like sleeping. The searchers are
still trying to get to the wreckage they spotted from the air but aren't having
much luck. They said they'd have another go at it in the morning, but so far,
they haven't been able to detect any movement in the area. If they're dead,
there's not much that can be done except sit and wait this out. If they aren't
dead . . .

I don't even know what to think about that. I'm not even sure which is the worst
case scenario right now.

"Do I have to go to school tomorrow?" May asks. I held her out today already and
I'm not sure I want her going tomorrow. I think I would go mad around this house
alone, just waiting for the phone to ring.

"No, luv. You can stay home with me," I say and she gets very quiet. "What's the
matter?"

"When Emily Myer's mommy died, she got to stay home a lot," she says, her voice
soft and sad.

"Your mum isn't dead, May," I say. We both put our cards down and I take her
hands in mine. She has long, graceful fingers just like Sarah and I remember how
when she was a baby, they would hook so tightly around mine. Now it's hard to
get her to hold my hand when we cross the street and I know it will only get
worse.

"I know she isn't dead. But why did she go away?" my daughter asks, looking for
a good answer. I wish I had one to give her. I'm not even sure why. "Was mommy
mad at us?"

Her face twists up slightly as she tries to figure out what she might have done
to her mum that would make her leave us like this.

"May, you didn't do anything. No matter what happens between me and your mum,
you've never done anything," I say and a tear splashes down her cheek.
"Sometimes grown-ups just have problems, but even so, we will never love you any
less. Do you understand me, luv?"

She nods her head and I end up on knees before her pulling her into a hug.
She'll never understand all of this. I barely understand it myself. If Sarah was
so unhappy, she should have left. She should have left me a long time ago and
gone on with her life with him. I don't know what would have stopped her.

I rock May in my arms and she goes as limp as a ragdoll as she begins to cry. I
want to cry, too.

All those notes stopped for so long, but then they started again. What made her
go back? Did I do something that made her go back to him or was it just
inevitable? There was that rocky period we had, but I thought . . . I didn't
think there was a third party involved in any of that. I thought all her
decisions were based on what she wanted, not on what anyone else might have
wanted.

"Shh, May. It's going to be all right. Mum will be home soon and everything will
be okay," I lie, while I still rock her. "It will be okay."

*********************

June 24, 2006

I follow Mic into our bedroom with May hitched up on my hip. She's getting
squirmy but I don't have anywhere to set her down and I can't follow her to make
sure she doesn't get into anything.

"I don't get it, Mic. I thought we were just going there to visit your sister
and your aunt. You never said anything about finding a job before," I say, my
voice filled with anger. May senses this and begins crying. I try to hush her
but she's stressed out enough as it is from us packing up most of her
belongings.

Mic finally stops moving and turns to me. "Sarah, I can't find a job here. It's
been six months since I lost the last one and although I love being a full time
daddy to May, I don't think I can do that forever."

"What about my job? I can't exactly just up and leave it," I say. He takes May
out of my arms and she quiets down immediately.

"Why not? You have before. I miss my home, Sarah. I miss my family. When you
move with us, you'll still be with your family but I've been here over six years
now and I miss home," Mic says. May wraps her arms around his neck and they both
stare at me.

I sit on the edge of the bed and try hard not to cry. I want to because I just
can't even believe this is happening. I took all my leave time to go to
Australia and now he wants to stay there forever.

"Mic, please. Can we discuss this later?" I ask, wanting desperately not to put
May in the middle of this. I don't want to fight in front of her. No matter how
young she is, she deserves better than that.

"There's nothing to discuss, Sarah. I don't know what to do anymore," he says,
his eyes pleading with me. I know his unemployment has been hard on him, but
we've gotten by with just my paycheck for a while now.

"This doesn't have to do with some stupid male pride about a man taking care of
his family, does it?" I ask softly. He just lets out a soft sigh. May snuggles
up closer to him and he rocks her.

"I'd like to be able to care of both of you, Sarah. My mum worked hard her whole
life and I don't want that to happen to you," Mic says, his eyes meeting mine.
"I want better for you."

"But, Mic . . . I'm not your mother. I love my job. It's all I've ever wanted to
do and I'm not sure I can leave it," I say. May starts to twist her soft hair
around her finger and she watches me now, too. They both watch me and I look
away.

"Are you sure it's just your job you can't leave, Sarah? Or is there something
else?" Mic asks and I meet his eyes again.

"What in the hell do you mean by that?" I ask, my voice rising a little higher
than it should.

"I only mean what else is there here that you'll stay for besides your job? It's
just a job, Sarah. I left mine for you when we got married," Mic says. He comes
toward me and puts May in my arms. She immediately begins fussing again, her
face turning red and in frustration. It's only a matter of time before the tears
start flowing.

"I-I just don't want to give up everything I worked so hard for, Mic. I just
don't."

He watches me as I try to soothe my daughter but it isn't working. Normally,
he'd pluck her out of my arms about now and get her to stop fussing, but he
doesn't do that this time. He's trying to show me I can't do it without him and
I'm going to have to follow him to wherever he goes.

"We'll talk about this later," he says, brushing past me and out the door. I sit
down on the bed with May on my lap and we both cry.

****************

June 24, 2006

"Darling! How was your flight?" Mom asks as she gives me a quick hug. She's
smiling even though I can tell her tough exterior is faltering. She looks
exhausted even under the perfect makeup and nice clothes. I haven't seen her in
. . . over two years? Could that be possible? We talk on the phone often, but
not often enough.

"It was long and uneventful," I say of the commercial flight I took out here.

"Come inside. Let me fix you a drink . . . or a sandwich. You must be hungry,"
she says as she stares out over the ocean.

"I'm fine, Mom. I don't need anything," I say, knowing that I'm going to get
something anyway. She's too nervous right now and I know my mother. She has to
be doing something. I remember long ago, when Dad was first missing, she was
constantly doing something. Anything to take her mind off of it. Eventually,
that's how she met Frank and got the gallery started. For a long time I felt
sorry for my father. Eventually, I learned I didn't have to.

"Come on. I could use an iced tea. My treat," she says, taking my hand in hers
like I'm still a little boy.

I follow her into the house and to the kitchen where she promptly goes about
pouring us two glasses of tea. I watch as she slices a lemon to put into the
glasses, her hands moving quickly. There's a slight tremor in them I never
noticed before.

Frank called me last night and told me the news. I can't believe she hid it for
as long as he said she did. I can't believe she couldn't tell me.

Her hands still for a moment before she sets the knife down. Finally, she looks
at me and a lot of her strong resolve vanishes as she fights back the tears. I
know my mother. She's probably been strong all this time for Frank. For herself.
For anyone who might be watching her.

"Please, Mom. Tell me. I want to know," I say and the tears begin to flow down
her cheeks.

"Ovarian cancer, Harm."

"Mom . . . I-I . . . oh, Mom."

I don't know what to say. She doesn't say anything, either. I just hold her in
my arms and try hard not to cry. The words 'be strong for mommy' echo through my
mind from long ago. So many people said it and I never got over it.

She pulls back from me and pats at the damp spot she left on my shirt. "I'm
sorry. I didn't mean to . . . go change your shirt and I'll wash this one . . ."

"Mom, stop. It's okay. Tell me what the plan is. How are they treating this?" I
ask and she keeps her fingers on my shirt, rubbing over that one spot.

"Surgery and chemotherapy. I just haven't scheduled it yet."

"Why not?" I ask, my voice just a little gruff and angry with her.

"I need to think, Harm. I just found out a few days ago. . ."

"And you didn't call me?" Anger still fills my voice and she looks away from me.
I'm not sure what I'm more angry at. The fact that she didn't tell me or that I
might lose my mom. Some selfish part of me takes over and I'm not ready for it.
Dad was unexpected. I was too young and just . . . but this . . . I never even
imagined this.

"I'm sorry. I had to deal with this, Harm. I have to accept it, too." She stops
messing with my clothes and puts her hand on my cheek.

"That doesn't mean you have to give up."

"Not much chance I'll ever have grandchildren," she says. I know she's not
saying it to make me feel guilty but more of a statement of fact. Of something
she has to accept. That we all do at this point.

"Robin and I broke it off about two months ago," I say, looking down at the
counter top. It lasted a long time. A lot longer than I've ever gone out with
anyone. "We've seen each other a few times since then, but it just wasn't
working."

Robin and my mother never met. Our schedules never allowed us to fly out here
together and my mother hasn't been to DC in years. Mom watches me carefully
before she goes on.

"So, how is Mac doing? And how is the baby? She can't possibly be a baby
anymore, can she? She's got to be a toddler," my mother says, focusing on her
tea and avoiding my eyes.

"How did you know?" I ask, my voice sounding strange and distant. I never told
her about Mac having May. In all these years, I've just avoided it. I didn't
want to hear one more time that I let that one get away. "I never told you that
Mac had a baby."

"Mac sent a birth announcement and a photograph when her baby was born. I sent
her a gift. I don't really think she meant anything by it, though it would
certainly be nice if she was my grandchild. It would have been nice to have had
a little girl to go shopping with," Mom says and I notice that she said that in
the past tense. She looks up at me and gives me a quick smile.

"I'm sorry," I say.

"No need to be sorry," she says, resting her hand on my arm. "What will be, will
be, right? You have lived your life like you've wanted to live it and if that
makes you happy, then I'm happy. That's all a mother can hope for. That her
children are happy and healthy."

I watch her stand up and pour out the remainder of her tea. I wonder if she
knows? If anyone would know me well enough to know that this might not be the
life I've wanted, it would be Mom. I'm sure she'll never say a thing.

"I have to go to the gallery and close up for the evening," she says and I know
she's just trying to forget about everything. I wish I could deny it all, too.
It would be so much easier. "Frank said he's meet me there later."

"Do you want me to come with you?" I ask as she finishes cleaning up.

"I'll just be gone for a couple of hours. Why don't you relax for a while,
darling, and then come meet me there. We'll go get dinner then. You can take one
of Frank's cars, just don't put a ding in it," Mom says as if she's still
talking to a teenager going out on their first date. She looks up at me and
laughs. "Sorry. They trust you with planes, don't they? I guess you can be
trusted with some old Chrysler something or other."

"I'll do my best," I say and she comes back over and hugs me.

"It's nice to see you again even if the circumstances are lousy," she says,
looking up at me.

"It will all work out, Mom. It has to," I say even though this time, I'm not so
sure.

********************

June 27, 2006

"You must admit it's beautiful here, Sarah," Mic says. He convinced me to leave
May with his sister, Maggie, so he could take me on a drive. He's still trying
to sell me on moving to Australia.

"It always has been, Mic, but that's not the issue," I say, staring out my
window at the wrong side of the road. I'll never get used to this.

"What is, luv?" he asks and I recognize where I am well enough to know we're
heading back. He said we would be back before May's bedtime. He hardly ever
misses her bedtime.

"What is the issue? How about the fact that I have a career in the States. A
good one I've worked hard at. I just can't give it up that easily."

"I gave up everything for you once."

"I didn't ask you to."

"Are we back to that?"

"I guess maybe we are."

We sit in silence as he turns down the road his sister lives on. There's more.
I'm just afraid to admit to the 'more' right now.

"Are there any other reasons, Sarah?" he asks, his voice sounding hurt from my
last comments. I can't tell him all the other reasons because I haven't even
figured them out for myself. Besides that, there are some I just can't share
with him. Not now. Not ever.

"Yeah, like the fact that I can't say 'fair dinkum' and have it sound right."

"Have I ever said that?"

"Your sister did," I tell him.

"You're worried because you can't speak Strine? And you think it was easy for me
when I got to DC? I had to figure out what Beltway Bandits were. And the word
cheesy? It still amazes me when people use it all these years later," Mic says,
sounding exasperated.

"And there's the whole thing with the seasons being backwards . . ."

"Who says yours aren't backwards?"

"Mic, I just need some time to think about it, okay?" I ask, wanting to end
this. I don't really even want to think about it. I want him to accept that my
answer is no and move on from there.

We pull up to the house and Maggie is standing on the drive, watching May chase
something. She waves to us and May scurries over to the car, happy to see us. We
get out of the car and Maggie approaches me while Mic grabs his daughter.

"How's my girl!" Mic says, picking her up and spinning her in the air.

"Sarah, someone called for you while you were gone. Someone you work with,"
Maggie says. I can tell she's trying to think of the name and I prod her on.

"Was it someone named Rabb?" I ask quietly but Mic overhears me.

"That's right. He said his name was Harmon Rabb and that it was urgent and that
you should call at any time," Maggie says, smiling that she remembered after
all.

"What's he want? You're on vacation, luv," Mic says, hitching May up on his hip
and approaching us.

"I have to call, Mic. There might be an emergency," I say, walking towards the
house.

"He gave me the number where he can be reached. I left it by the telephone,"
Maggie calls after me. I look at my watch and try figure out the time difference
between here and DC. It's only when I find the message that I realize Harm isn't
at home. I don't know where this area code is.

I pick up the phone and charge the call to my calling card, hoping everything is
okay. He's never called me before while I was on vacation.

An exhausted sounding Harm answers the phone on the second ring.

"Harm, it's Mac. Is everything okay?" I ask and he doesn't say anything for a
moment.

"Um, I'm not really sure. I, um, I need . . . when can you come home?" he asks
and my heart skips a beat. I put my hand over my chest and take a deep breath as
I attempt to figure out what he's getting at.

"I'm on leave on the other side of the world here, Harm. I can't just fly home
tomorrow," I say, leaning against the wall with the phone still pressed to my
ear.

"It's my mom, Mac. She's . . . she's got cancer. I need some time with her."

The gasp I make registers my shock and I don't really know what to say. I lost
my mother years ago when she got on that bus out of town. Chances are, I
wouldn't even know if she died.

"Harm, I'm so sorry. I'll try to get back by next week. Will that be soon
enough?" I ask. He doesn't seem to be too willing to share what is wrong with
his mom. Then again, this is Harm I'm talking to. When has he ever shared?

"Yeah. I'll go back to DC tomorrow and finish up some things. Then when you get
there . . . Mac, I'm sorry about this," he says.

The front door opens and Mic comes in with May still in his arms, her arms
wrapped around his neck. I turn to look at him as he stands there watching me,
his eyes imploring me for an explanation.

"No, that's okay. We'll talk more about it when I get back. Give your mother my
love," I say, hanging up the phone.

"What was that about?" Mic asks.

"I have to go home sooner than I expected," I say, walking past him and toward
the room we're staying in. He follows close behind and May must be able to sense
another argument coming because she clutches onto his neck tighter.

"Why? What does he need from you that he can't do himself?" Mic asks. "Does he
need you to come rescue him from something?"

"Mic, he just found out his mom has cancer and he wants some time," I say and
that quiets him down for a second. Maybe.

"And you just found out you're moving to Australia and you need some time."

"Mic . . ."

"Sarah, I'm going to find a job."

"And I have a job. One I need to get back to."

"May is staying with me."

I stop everything I'm doing and turn to him.

"What?" I ask.

"May can stay here. I'm staying here and you don't have childcare for her at
home, so she might as well stay with me. What are you worried about? That I
won't ever bring her back?"

"No," I say. I know he'd never do anything so cruel to me. Never. It's just she
provides leverage to get me back here.

"Good, Sarah, because I'd never do anything to hurt either of you," he says,
giving May a kiss on the cheek. I put my hands out for her and she jumps into my
arms.

"Will you be okay with just Daddy for a while, sweetheart?" I ask, brushing her
soft hair out of her face. She looks to Mic and smiles.

"Yes," she says, nodding her head with glee.

"Oh, how nice. Happy to get rid of Mommy, huh?" I say and she gives me a hug.
"I'll be back to get both of you before you know it . . ."

"Sarah . . ." Mic says and I turn away with my baby in my arms, not wanting to
hear it again.

****************

July 2, 2006

"How are you feeling?"

"Like hell," Mom answers, her eyes fluttering open for the first time since she
came out of surgery. She can't keep them open for very long but reaches out her
hand for mine. "Where's Frank?"

"He'll be back in just a minute. He went to get a cup of coffee. We didn't
expect to see you awake so soon," I say, taking her hand in mine.

"I was dreaming," she says, a little smile moving across her face.

"Was it a good dream?" Her fingers squeeze mine tightly as she continues to
smile.

"Oh, yes. It was more of a memory, really. You were a baby . . . not a baby but
a toddler . . . and it was that little house we had . . . you wouldn't even
remember. I remember it was one of the times your father was home and you had
just figured out how to open the front door . . ." she says, drifting in and
out.

"What happened?"

"We couldn't find you. Your dad was doing something in the yard and I was in the
kitchen and then you were gone. Naturally, since you just learned how to work
that door, we assumed the worst . . . you were such a beautiful baby," she says,
putting her shaky hand on my cheek.

"Where did you find me?" I ask, even though I've heard this story before. I want
to hear her tell it again.

"You were afraid your dad was leaving so you fell asleep in the backseat of the
car so you could be sure to give him a hug and a kiss before he left us again,"
she says, her voice so soft and quiet and I can barely hear her.

"I'm sorry I scared you," I say and her eyes shut all the way.

"I'm sorry you didn't have your father growing up," she says, as if it's her
fault.

"I had Frank. I know I never say it enough but he was a great father. You have
nothing to be sorry for and there's nothing you should regret. Mom, you need to
get better . . ."

"I know Frank was a good father. But he wasn't your father. Kids . . . they
should have their own father. I wish you could have known him better. All kids .
. ."

"Mom, it's okay," I say and she smiles again. What is she getting at? How in the
hell could she know something I only suspected?

"At home, there's an album of baby pictures. Of you. I want you to have them,"
she says, still clinging tightly to my fingers.

"Mom, those are yours . . . I don't want to . . ."

"Please, look at them."

"Okay," I assure her and she drifts back off to sleep.

***************

"Say bye to your mum," Mic says, stretching out his arms to take May from mine.

"Bye bye," she says, leaping from my arms into his.

"I'm going to miss you guys," I say, tucking a strand of brown hair behind her
ear.

"Am I really included in that 'you guys'?" Mic asks. His eyes looks sad and
angry and I can't believe he's still mad about me leaving. The Admiral even
called me to make sure I could come back yet he's still pouting about the whole
thing.

"Of course you are," I say, leaning in to give him a kiss.

"Then come back here," he says, wrapping our daughter protectively in his arms.

"Mic, I have to see how long . . . you know that. I try to make it back if I
can. If not, I'll see you two back at home in a few weeks," I say and Mic
doesn't say a word. "Won't I?"

"Of course you will? What do you think? I'm going to kidnap my child and hold
her hostage here until you come back to me?" Mic says. I stare at him. He must
be kidding. It's happened to children before but he wouldn't do that to me. He
loves her even more than he loves me and he wouldn't hurt her any more than I
would.

"No, I never thought that," I say, looking out the window at the plane waiting
to take me back to the States. "I'm just going to miss both of you."

"And we'll miss you, luv."

The attendant at the gate calls the last boarding request and I give May another
big hug before I walk away from them.

No, he'd never do anything to hurt her. That much I know.

***************

I pull out the photo albums and sit down with them on the couch. Usually, I love
going through these, but then my mother is normally at my side telling stories
about each picture. When I do finally visit, it's like a tradition though I'm
sure she does it just to punish me. We would laugh, with my laughter due mostly
to embarrassment, and it would bring such joy to her face.

Now she's sick and telling me to take these albums with me. I don't think I'm
ready for that yet. I want to come back and look at the pictures with her again.
I want to hear her stories a couple more times.

I flip to the earliest baby pictures of me and think about my mother's comment
about grandchildren. I wonder if she would have albums filled with her
grandchildren's baby pictures, too, if she had any.

Or any she knew about.

Fuck.

I've kept that thought so deep inside that it rarely makes it out anymore. I
lean back and close my eyes, imagining if it things were different. They aren't
and I'm not sure I want to change them. Mac got what she wanted. I got . . . who
the hell knows. Freedom to do whatever it is I please? Freedom from fear of
messing it all up. Now if I say anything or do anything, it would be an even
bigger mess. That baby has a father and it's not me.

Robin didn't even want kids but she wanted marriage. I couldn't even commit to
that much. I should have but I'm not sure we can repair it now. First Renee.
Then Robin. Maybe they just aren't what I really want.

Maybe I can't have what I really want and what I want is a guarantee it won't
all go wrong. I catch myself laughing.

Like this is all right. This is just as wrong as anything.

***************

July 7, 2006

"Thanks for coming back," Harm says, leaning against the door frame to my
office. I look up at him and give him a quick smile before going back to reading
the file in front of me.

"You owe me," I say, flipping through the papers. He left a pile of file folders
on my desk before I got in and I was hoping to go over them with him before he
goes back to San Diego. "How's your mom?"

"She's as well as can be expected. She had surgery before I left and she was
starting chemotherapy today."

"I'm sorry," I say. He looks tired but then again, after flying half way around
the world, so do I.

"Were Mic and May disappointed that they had to come home from their vacation
early?" he asks. I shut my eyes I try to come up with a good answer.

"They're still in Australia."

"Is something wrong?" he asks, sounding concerned. He's been distant lately and
it was just better if I didn't get involved and ask. I just couldn't help him
through this thing with his ex-girlfriend. I don't know why it ended, but it
certainly wasn't any of my business.

And this is none of his business.

"No, not at all. Mic still had plans and I didn't want to cut their vacation
short," I say, trying to dismiss everything I really feel.

"Mac?"

"Hmm?"

"I hate to ask for more, especially after making you come back early from leave,
but could you do me a favor?" he asks and waits for me to say something. I look
up from what I'm doing once again to find that he's shut the door and is sitting
in the chair across from me.

"What do you need?" I ask, leaning back in my chair and focusing my attention on
him. He does look tired. Very tired.

"Can, I . . . um, can I have a recent picture of May? I-I think my mom . . . I'd
like to show my mother a picture of her. The only one she has is from . . . the
one you sent her . . ."

He fumbles through all the words and I find that I'm biting my bottom lip. He .
. . knows? I've always suspected that he had to but this . . . this is something
I never expected. Why doesn't he just say something? Ask something? Do
something?

Because he's Harm and that isn't going to happen. I don't know why I expect
different. Besides, what good would it do anyway? Mic is May's daddy and nothing
will change that.

"Of course you can have a picture of her. I, uh, brought back a roll I took of
her at her aunt's house. I'll get them developed and get one to you before you
leave," I say, looking down at my lap. I can't look at him right now. I'm too
afraid to.

"Thanks." He gets out of the chair and leaves me alone in my office. I find that
I can only stare at the spot he just vacated.

*************