PART IX


September 14, 2010

The call came at three a.m. 'We think we found something, Mr. Brumby,' they
said. 'Would you like to come out here, Mr. Brumby,' another voice said a few
seconds later. They wouldn't tell me what it is. Instead they told me to come
way out here. May is asleep in the back of the car. I didn't even have time to
find someone to watch her.

I don't even really know where I am. Somewhere near Shenandoah National Park
looking for my damn wife. My wife who should be home with us, not running around
with . . .

"Daddy?"

"Yes, luv?" I ask, looking at May in the rear view mirror. I was hoping she
would sleep a little longer.

"Are we going to see Mommy?" she asks and I don't know what to answer.

"Maybe, sweetheart."

I should have found someone to watch her at home. She doesn't need to endure
this with me. I find where they told me to go, some small police station in the
back of beyond. It's too quiet here. There should be people all over the place,
all looking for Sarah. Instead, there's only one squad car out front.

I gently lift May out of the backseat and carry her over my shoulder into the
building. She's sleeping again, limp as a ragdoll over my shoulder. The man at
the desk looks up at me with surprise.

"Mr. Brumby?"

"Yes," I say, looking for a place to set May down. There's nothing here but a
couple of old vinyl chairs, cracked from years of use, and I decide to hold her
instead. The place smells like sweat and bug spray and a ceiling fan creaks over
head even though it's been cool outside. I was expecting a much bigger operation
for the search. Not this. No wonder they haven't found anything.

"We didn't expect you so fast. Sergeant Janson hasn't even made it back down the
mountain yet. Would you like to have a seat?" the man says. His name tag lets me
know his last name is Hensley.

"You don't know anything? You can't tell me anything?" I ask. They called me all
the way out here. He must know something.

"I'm sorry, sir. It would be better if the sergeant speaks to you," he says, his
eyes not meeting mine. My stomach drops at his words and I feel myself losing
hold of May. I shift her in my arms and clutch on to her, hoping she doesn't
wake up anytime soon. I should have found someone but I was in too big of a
rush. But now I know.

Something is wrong. Very wrong

*******************

September 21, 2006

There's something in the air. It's an unsettling feeling, like I'm the last to
know something. I don't like it. Everyone watches me walk across the bullpen to
my office, their eyes following me until I close the door. I want to shut the
strange feeling out. This time, I don't even want to know what's going on
because I sense it isn't good.

I'm not even sitting down at my desk yet when someone knocks on the door. "Come
in," I call out as I look through the papers on my desk.

"Good morning, ma'am," Bud says, handing me even more papers. "Are you doing
okay?"

I look up at him and he has this strange expression on his face. He's looking at
me as if I just lost my best friend in the whole world and am now alone to fend
for myself.

"Okay. I give. What's going on, Bud?" I ask and he looks down at his feet for a
second before looking at me.

"You don't know?"

"Know what?" I ask with a nervous little laugh. I feel completely left out of
the loop. May has been sick for the last few days and I've had to take some
personal time. I'm now buried under paperwork and apparently I'm missing
something big.

"Oh. Well, maybe I better let him tell you himself," Bud says, looking as if he
just divulged a big secret that he shouldn't have.

"Him who? Tell me what?"

"Commander Rabb. I think it would be better if he tells you, ma'am," Bud says as
he tries to escape my office.

"Bud . . ."

"Yes?" he says, turning around to look at me again. No, if he doesn't want to
tell me then he shouldn't have to. Obviously, Harm did something and he should
be the one to tell me. After everything else, what could it possibly be? Why
wouldn't I be the first to know?

"Nevermind," I say, dismissing him.

I'll have to find out myself.

***************

September 23, 2006

I knew it was only a matter of time before she found out. I just didn't expect
for her to come all the way out here, looking for me. Mac is walking a few steps
ahead of Frank as he shows her out onto the patio. She looks angry. Or sad. I'm
not quite sure which it is. Most of all, she looks like she's trying to hide the
fact that she's angry and sad.

"Harm, you didn't tell me that the Colonel was coming to visit," Frank says with
a smile. He doesn't know about Mac. My mother might have guessed but I doubt she
ever told Frank.

"I didn't know either," I say, looking up at her from my seat by the patio
table. She doesn't say anything. None of us do. I know what she's going to say
once Frank leaves us.

"Well, I'll let you two talk. If you need anything, I'll be in my den," Frank
says, placing his hand on Mac's arm. "It's nice to see you."

"Thank you," she says before turning her attention to me. She waits until Frank
is back in the house before either of us says a word.

"You know," I say, looking away from her and out towards the water.

"You could have told me yourself instead of me just stumbling into the news."

"I didn't tell anyone. I don't know how the news got out," I say and she crosses
her arms over her chest and rocks back a forth a few times.

"That still doesn't explain why you didn't tell me. Me, Harm. Not some Petty
Officer who works at a desk but me. I thought . . ."

"I'm sorry," I say, interrupting her. "We can talk about it now."

She sits down across from me but doesn't look anymore relaxed than she did
standing. "This is because of your mother, isn't it? Because of her death?"

I don't answer her right away. Mostly because I'm not sure why I'm doing this.
I've told myself a lot of reasons for it but I'm not sure I believe any of them
myself yet.

"Then why, Harm? Why Hawaii? Why leave JAG headquarters to be the XO at TSO
Pacific? Do you know what this is going to do to your career?" she asks and I
nod.

"When did you become concerned with my career?"

"Harm . . ."

"This is for the best. For me. For you. For everyone concerned," I say and she
looks away. "What happened last July can't happen again. I can't go running to
you every time something goes wrong. Mac, you're married. You're raising a
child."

My child. She's raising my child with Mic and there's no way I can get in the
middle of that. She gave me her reasons and I have to accept them. Losing her
little girl is the worst possible thing that could happen in her life and I
can't do that to her.

"Hawaii is so far away."

"I know."

"How am I . . . how are we . . ." she says, stumbling with the words.

"It shouldn't have started again."

She looks at me, her eyes filled with fire.

"So the oh so honorable Harmon Rabb has to put an end to it before it can start
up one more time? Did I ask you to do that? Jesus, Harm. You should have thought
about this before you showed up at my doorstep when my husband was gone. That's
when you should have thought about not starting it again. It's a little late
now," she says, her words each punctuated with anger.

"I'm sorry," I say one more time but I'm not sure what for. I guess I'm sorry
for so many things. Not being there when I should have been. Not saying
something sooner, before she ever married Mic. Not telling her to end the
marriage after our weekend in Cape May.

"Yeah, you're sorry. I'm the one who's sorry, Harm. I'm the one who was
unfaithful and for what? I should have known better. I should have known that .
. ." she says, her words trailing off before she finishes her sentence.

"Known what?"

She doesn't answer me. I don't know what she wants from me. She won't leave Mic
out of fear of losing her daughter. She's so afraid of that outside possibility
that May really is Mic's daughter that she won't take a chance.

I can't blame her. I don't know if I would take that chance, either. Not for me.
Not for anyone.

"Known that you didn't really love me," she finally answers, looking at anything
but me. I don't think that word has ever been spoken between us. Love. I didn't
think it needed to be. Didn't think at this point that it mattered. I just
thought she knew.

"I do," I say and her eyes finally meet mine. She wipes a tear away before it
can fall and I want to reach out for her but I stop myself.

"And that's why you're leaving? That's very noble."

"That's not why I'm leaving, Mac, but it's one of the reasons I can't stay."

"What in the hell is that supposed to mean?" she asks and I realize we've always
done this. Talked and never made much sense. None of this makes much sense.

"I can't stay because I can't watch you walk out of that damn office every night
to go home to someone else. I can't do it anymore."

"I can't leave him."

"That's what you keep saying," I say, my emotions coming through in my voice.
There is no hiding anything anymore. Not from Mac. I should have never tried.

"I can't."

"I know."

"So instead you're going to leave me," she says, wiping her hand across her eye
again.

"Look at it this way -- with this transfer, chances are you'll be the next JAG,"
I say and she stares at me.

"That's a hollow victory. One that I'd rather not have," she says, her voice
cracking on the words. "Hawaii, Harm? Why so far?"

"I have to."

"No, you don't."

I look at her and a sudden urge to wrap her up in my arms comes over me. I want
to hold her forever but I know I can't do that. She'll go back to him and I'll
go back to nothing. I know it's my own damn fault. I'm not stupid. Even so, I
can't live like that forever. She can't live like this forever, either.

"Yeah, I do. I have to go."

***************

I don't know what I'm doing, sneaking around in the middle of the night. I don't
know why I'm going into his room. I just need to talk to him. His stepfather was
nice enough to let me stay here. He insisted upon it, actually, and I knew it
wasn't a good idea but I had no excuse not to. Not one that I could tell him,
anyway.

Harm is asleep and I stand at the side of the bed, watching him for quite a
while before he stirs.

"Wha -- what is it? Is something wrong?" he asks, opening his eyes and blinking
off the darkness.

"I'm sorry I didn't come to the funeral," I say, not knowing why I decided to
start the conversation like that.

"You couldn't get away from work. That was my fault for leaving you there with
all that work," he says, yawning.

"You're going to leave me with all that work again. How many times is that now?"
I ask and he smiles.

"I'm sorry."

"So you keep saying. Harm, how come I wasn't offered the position you're
taking?" I ask, sitting on the edge of his bed. He moves over so I have a little
more room.

"I don't know."

"It would have been better for me. We would have been closer to Australia. I
don't understand it. Unless you asked for it," I say and he doesn't say a word.
"How long have you been planning this? Leaving DC?"

"Since my mother died," he says and I sigh. She's only been gone for a little
over a week. He said her health went fast. Faster than he ever imagined. Maybe
this isn't all because of me. Maybe her death does have something to do with it.
He took it hard, calling me crying at 3 a.m. I wanted to come out here then, but
he told me no. I knew I wouldn't be able to anyway, no matter how badly I wanted
to.

"You don't have to."

"I know I don't have to. Please, Mac. Could we not go through this again?" he
asks. He sounds so tired and I fight the urge to reach out and touch him.

I fight it and lose.

My hand brushes down his arm and he catches it in his. His fingers wrap around
mine as he pulls me closer to him and I end up next to him in bed, snuggling in
close.

"I'm sorry about your mom, Harm," I say. I know I've said it to him before but
those times were over the phone. I never had the chance to say it in person. His
arms go limp around me and I know how much it has to hurt him. I don't even know
where my mother is right now. I'm not so sure I care.

Just the thought of my daughter feeling about me the way I feel about my mother
terrifies me. I will do anything in my power to make sure that doesn't happen.
She will have a family and a mother who will never abandon her.

I close my eyes at that thought. She's at home right now, alone with her dad. I
did abandon her in a way. I'm going back to her but I abandoned her to run after
someone else. To find out how he can leave me.

He's not leaving me. I never had him.

"I really never expected to lose her so soon. My dad. My mom. I have no family,
Mac. Or at least not anyone close by," he says and I choke back the words in my
throat. I want to tell him that's not true, but I have no right to do so. It's
not like he can come over for Christmas dinner.

"So why are you running further away?" I ask and he remains silent.

"I'm not running away," he finally says and I know it's a lie. He's running from
me. From what we both want. And I don't know whether to be thankful for it or to
hate him for it.

************

September 24, 2006

I wake up to find Mac gone. My hand brushes across the side of the bed she was
on but the sheets are cold now. Maybe she got up at some point and went back to
her own room. I get up and pull on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt before leaving
my room.

Mac isn't in her room, either. Her bed is made and her bag is neatly packed. She
has to go back to DC today. I'm sure she lied to a lot of people to make it here
this weekend. I have to go back next week for just a few days before I transfer
to Pearl Harbor.

I find Frank in the kitchen, making breakfast. I'm not sure he ever eats it. Not
since Mom . . . but he makes it. Then he sits with his newspaper and sips his
coffee and throws away most of the food.

"Hey, Frank. Have you seen Mac?" I ask and he looks up at me.

"Yeah. She said something about going out to the beach before she had to leave.
You want some breakfast?" he asks and I decline.

"No, thank you. I'm just going to go find her. I'll be back later, okay?" I say
and he just nods. I'm not sure which one of us is suffering the most from the
loss of Mom. It's a toss up most days. At least I'll have work and whole new
place to live to focus on soon. Maybe Mac is right. Maybe that's why I'm doing
it.

I walk outside and follow the road down to the beach path. I've always enjoyed
this house but I'm sure Frank will probably sell it now. It was always too big
for just two people let alone just one. My mother kept it for the parties she
would throw and for when friends from the gallery came to visit. I don't even
know what's going to happen to the gallery now. She said she had it all taken
care of and Frank hasn't mentioned it.

I find Mac sitting on the sand near some rocks, watching the waves come in. With
all her travelling to Australia, I'm sure she's seen beaches far more beautiful
than this one, but this one holds a special place in my heart. Mom and I used to
come down here. She spent a lot of time here, getting sun or just staring at the
waves. I always imagined she was looking towards Dad.

Mac looks up and me and smiles before patting the sand beside her. I sit down
and watch the same waves she's watching.

"Where we stay in Australia, it's always the sun rising over the ocean. It would
be nice to see a sunset for a change," she says, her fingers digging through the
wet sand.

"Then stay another night," I say and she sighs. "Stay and watch the sunset with
me."

"I can't. I have to be back to work in the morning. Someone is leaving, you know
and I have a lot to do," she says, giving me a sly little smirk.

"I'll be back to help in a few days," I say, adding to her pile of sand. We
haven't been at a beach together since . . . Cape May. That seems so long ago.
So much time without each other that we should be used to it by now.

"And then you'll be gone again," she says. She shakes the sand off of her
fingers and wraps her arms around her knees. We're going to keep this discussion
up until I leave. It's not something she's going to drop easily.

"Careers, Mac. In the Navy, one can never depend on staying in the same place
for long. You know that," I say.

"Don't tell me you're doing this to advance your career because you know it
isn't going to. And unlike when you returned to flying, this isn't about some
personal dream. This is different, Harm. This is you running away from
something," she says and I tense up. She's right and we both know it. But there
are no other options besides running.

"Mac . . ."

"I know. This is for the best or something stupid like that. Jesus, Harm. You
could be the next JAG. Instead, you're going to be stuck in Hawaii," she says,
anger rising up in her voice.

"There are far worse places to be stuck, Mac. And to be honest, I tried for a
transfer here to San Diego but they didn't want me," I say and she turns to look
at me.

"San Diego. Pearl Harbor. What's the difference. It's still a million miles
away," she says.

"Well, not quite that far but it could be worse. I could have gone to the NSLO
Pacific detachment in Guam," I say, shaking my head. Guam was going just a bit
far.

"What are you going to do with the Stearman? Do you plan on taking her with
you?" she asks and I shrug my shoulders.

"Not right away."

"So you'll be back?" she asks, sounding a lot happier than she did a few seconds
ago. I wonder if Mic makes her sound like that? Does he even make her happy
anymore? Did he ever? Sometimes I think the only thing that really makes Mac
happy is May. I gave her the only thing that really makes her happy. Yet, in
doing so, I can't ever be part of it. I can watch from the outside but never be
on the inside and it's my own fault. Not hers. Not Mic's. Just mine.

"Yeah," I say, smiling as I pull her into my arms. "And when I do come back,
will you come flying with me?"

"Always," she says and we both watch the waves crash against the shore.

************